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Dealing with Disrespectful Stepchildren

By: Elizabeth Grace - Updated: 25 Sep 2019 | comments*Discuss
Dealing With Disrespectful Stepchildren

It can be very hard for a parent to deal with their disrespectful children, but even harder for stepparents, who may not feel that they have the authority to change the way that their stepchildren behave. Allowing kids to be disrespectful, though, isn’t doing them any favours, as all children need to understand the importance of treating others with care and respect. Once a home environment of less than stellar child behaviour has been established, it can be hard to turn it around – but it is not impossible.

Establishing Reasonable Boundaries for Stepchildren

Every household needs rules. Society operates on a system of behavioural guidelines and one of the most important tasks of parents is to prepare their children to become well-functioning members of society, and that training begins in the home. Teaching children to speak and behave in a manner that honours other people helps them to understand appropriate behaviour as well as gives them a base of self-respect and good impulse control.

Children can and should be encouraged to express their emotions, but it is important that they learn to do so without hurting others. Disrespectful back-talking, refusal to comply with house rules, or selfish expectations are all examples of habits that children can easily acquire if their parents and stepparents do not show them that these behaviours will not be tolerated. Kids need to have a clear idea of what is expected of them and they must also be made aware of the consequences, should they choose to behave otherwise.

Enlisting the Help of your Spouse

Stepparents who have the support of their spouses have a much better chance of getting the stepchildren to treat them with respect and comply with house rules than those whose spouses fail to stand up and make their positions clear. Especially in the beginning, kids may be more inclined to take direction from their natural parent, rather than from a stepparent, who they may view as an unwelcome intruder. The adults in the home need to decide together on a set of behavioural guidelines for the children and then present them together, sending the message that obstinate or disrespectful behaviour will not be tolerated by either parent.

Setting Limits and Respectful Discipline

Teaching kids to be respectful requires that they be disciplined in a kind and respectful manner. It is unreasonable to expect that parents and stepparents can utilise harsh methods of discipline and then have children who do not emulate this type of behaviour. Kids may learn a bit from listening to a line-list of rules, but they are more heavily influenced by observing the important adults in their lives. Gentle, yet firm guidance will help kids to understand that they do not need to behave in disrespectful ways in order to be noticed and understood.

Breaking Through when Stepchildren are Stubborn

Some children seem determined to be defiant, despite the efforts of their parents and stepparents to garner their cooperation. Wild or disrespectful behaviour can be symptomatic of a variety of conditions, so if a parent finds that their children are out of control or disrespectful in more than one area of their lives (for example, they act out at home and at school), they may want to seek the advice of their GP to see of their child may be suffering from an undiagnosed behaviour disorder. Teachers and school officials may find it difficult to deal with kids who aren’t able to control their behaviour, so seeking input from children’s teachers can be invaluable. Effective treatment is available once an accurate diagnosis has been made, so parents should not delay in seeking help if they feel that their children’s disrespectful behaviour may be the result of a physical or emotional condition.

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The way my new wife handles her kids, 12 and 9, looks like it will undo our marriage. I'm no saint of a parent, but I am experienced in bio and step-parenting. I've raised a phenomenal adult as a single parent and I helped with two phenomenal bonus kids who are now grown. Things like boundaries, respect, manners, and responsibility are important to me. My adult kid is independent and strong and capable in ways many of her peers are not, and I'm proud of most of what I did as a parent. My wife's children, however, run the show with both her and when they're with their father (who wants the kids to erode our marriage). These kids (especially the oldest) call their parents curse names, destroy things in anger around the house, don't do anything they're told, lie constantly, have no consequences or chores, and are tiptoed around. I see behavior begging for clear and firm boundaries, but she sees "little kids" who need cuddles and coddling and are just sleepy or had too much ice cream. Since I have a 12yo also, I not only can't stomach the kids'behavior with no efforts from the parents, but I truly can't afford their influence to undo over a decade of very hard work I put into raising the tremendous adolescent I have now. I wish parents would be less fearful of tears and more aware of years - the many years these kids have to navigate the task world with other people when mom and dad are not around.
A.T. - 25-Sep-19 @ 5:11 AM
I've been with dating wonderful woman for the last 2.5 years. It' took me ages to find a good one 10 years of divorce. Alas, Her children, 9 & 12 are eventually going to finally push me away. The have 2 very different personalities, so my struggle to make a connection with either of them is a different challenge. I suppose I could handle a lot, but I'm a stickler for manners. No "please, thanks yous', hello or any of the basics when they converse with me, her or anyone I can see. They are whiny and petulant and she lets them roll right over her. I raised 2 of my own now adults, but never had to remind them at that age to be appreciate or civil. I'm not saying I was father of the year, but I assumed there were minimum standards. After a phone and text exchange a few nights ago, it appears my dream-girl has is't having it with me in regards to the complaints about her kids. She says everyone loves her kids and gets compliments on well mannered they are. This blows my mind. I don't have the heart to tell her how many of her friends and family members how confided in me opposite with statements. I don't defend her kids when I hear this, I just listen and don't say anything. It really feels inevitable at the moment that I will have to walk away from this woman. I'f I do, I will NEVER date a woman with non-grown children again..
M - 11-Sep-19 @ 3:25 PM
I've been with my husband 10yrs married 1yr we have a 5yr old together he has 2 older kids from his forst marriage i always thought me and his kids got on fine how wrong was i. My husbands granddaughter came to stay and while i was connecting her i pad i seen messages from my husbands son (her uncle) saying how he hated me i was fat ugly etc and saying his dad was a usely dad and that he hated him.this was messaged to a 10yr old anyway i didnt say anything till a few weeks later we was on a night out and messages came up on my husbands phone from his son calling me every name under the sun i was drunk rang his son had it out with him then i read more messages from his ex wife also hateing on me mind you ive never met her it all kicked off to say the least My husband son is 36yrs old his daughter is 32yrs old yhey never came to the wedding that was there chose his daughter said she would come to the wedding her daughter husbands (granddaughter) was ment to be bridesmaid got the dress etc on the morning she just didnt turn up nor answer calls then a few days after she rang has tho everything was fine Im at my wits end i just keep thinking maybe its time i left with our 5yr old and let my husband be with his kids
Heartbroken - 6-Sep-19 @ 11:40 AM
My husband and I have been together for 5 years. I have three children he has three children. We are a blended family. The first year was wonderful our children got along they all lived with us until his older daughter started listening to the mother and not liking me so she ran away to her moms which she never had to do because my husband always said if they wanted to be there mother they could. So two of his daughters moved in with the ex wife. Things get worst each year. A year after his girls moved out the mother coached the last daughter to move in teaching them to hate me and that there daddy only loved my children and didn’t want them. So as of today his children won’t come to schedule visitations because they hate me and my children. We cry a lot because my children and I grew very close to my husband girls to not understand what we did wrong for them to hate us. Also my husband had a girlfriend before me he date for a month one of his daughters go stays with her every weekend and kept in contact with her she recently moved back and started dating my husbands brother and my stepdaughter stays over there every weekend she lets her smoke marijuana and I showed proof to my husband and his ex wife and neither of them punished her I was in shock because my husband is very strict on my children even though he’s not there bio dad he raises them because there bio dad gave them up and I was a single mother before I met him. He’s very strict on my children but his children not so much. The ex girlfriend has now made his daughter hate me and told me I’m not her stepmom that the gf of a month is cause her dad dated her before me and she calls me names like your just my dads fat ugly blowfish wife & is teaching the 7. Year old who loves me to hate me. Today is her birthday and I refused to go with my husband because since she calls his ex gf of one month her stepmom that’s who I feel she wants with her for her special day so why should I go to be talked about. Now my husbands mad cause I didn’t go. I’m tired of hurting my husband don’t understand and it’s like he and her mom could care a less what she does and how she disrespect me I forgot to add she turned 14 today. I feel my marriage is failing
Cristy o - 10-Aug-19 @ 11:06 PM
My husband and I have been together 6 yeas. Each year is getting worse with his 3 kids. They are now 15,12,and 10 &1/2. They are constantly rude and disrespectful. They have broken some old my personal things and don’t get into trouble. My husband never defends me or anything when his kids do things or say things to me. Also he is now spent every single weekend this summer leaving me home alone in a city that I have zero friends. Thank never included in anything because the kids get upse and so he gives into them and based abandons me. One weekend last summer my husband had the perfect opening to change the situation when I had suggested that when him and his son were done with the water park ythatthe three of us could go play miniature golf or go bowling. His kid threw a tantrum and said no. My husband chose to give in to him and told him that it was ok if he didn’t want to do anything with me as part of an activity. That crushed me. When I said something to my husband later in private he just blew it off. Any suggestions from anyone is appreciated.
Smurfette - 27-Jul-19 @ 7:27 PM
Hi everyone im sitting here with tears in my eyes im married a year and it has been the worst year of my life. My husband and i only have family issues his adult kids who dont come visit and bring grandkids he has to go there without me. His 21 yr old son lives with us he never greets just does what he wants i dont talk to him or reprimand him. I ignore. Yesterday he came into the kitchen whilst i was preparing supper and blew smoke into my face i bit my cheeks open on the inside to ignore him and not react .he now changes password on wifi as soon as his father leaves and makes sure its on by the time he walks in . Im so broken he doesnt correct him or reprimand his rudeness and im doing my best to remain calm please help me
Snookums - 23-Jul-19 @ 10:37 AM
I'm married to my wife of 17 years and she has a son from the previous marriage. I've raised her son without adoption for 15 years until he found his own apartment. My wife and I have 3 children legally together and they are all minors. However; when any of our children disobeys and disrespect their mother (my wife), I step in to control the situation. Nonetheless; if my wife feels that I as their biological father is not enforcing stricter rules and corrections; she will text my 27 year old stepson to drive from his apartment to our house and take over my job in correctingmy child in defense of his mom and to show me he can do a better job. I've defended my child over my stepson barging into my home and yelling at my child and me both with complete disrespect. Yet; my wife says she has every right to keep contacting her son to come over to our house and take action and my stepson is proud to show how tough he is and how he will defend his mom even if he had to kill me in front of my children. Does my wife have that right? Does my 27 year old stepson have that right? Do I have any Rights?
Joey - 22-Jul-19 @ 5:09 AM
I'm married to my wife of 17 years and she has a son from the previous marriage. I've raised her son without adoption for 15 years until he found his own apartment. My wife and I have 3 children legally together and they are all minors. However; when any of our children disobeys and disrespect their mother (my wife), I step in to control the situation. Nonetheless; if my wife feels that I as their biological father is not enforcing stricter rules and corrections; she will text my 27 year old stepson to drive from his apartment to our house and take over my job in correctingmy child in defense of his mom and to show me he can do a better job. I've defended my child over my stepson barging into my home and yelling at my child and me both with complete disrespect. Yet; my wife says she has every right to keep contacting her son to come over to our house and take action and my stepson is proud to show how tough he is and how he will defend his mom even if he had to kill me in front of my children. Does my wife have that right? Does my 27 year old stepson have that right? Do I have any Rights?
Joey - 22-Jul-19 @ 5:09 AM
My 27 year old stepson asked to borrow money yesterday and I informed my wife we don’t have extra money to give away and she said he’s working for a friend tomorrow he’ll pay it back tomorrow night and I knew we wouldn’t see him so it’s 8:11 and still no Josh. Although I want her to see he is a liar and can’t be trusted I have no desire to throw it in her face or say the wrong thing. I’ve never said I told you so I’m my life at the same time I need to put myself at peace also and she’ll be coming home from work at 11:00 so knowing what not to say would be great
Jeremy - 21-Jul-19 @ 1:17 AM
My husband and I have been together for almost three years and in that time his children who are now 15 and 16 have broken things stole my car keys I had to have my car rekeyed do not have any respect for me are only nice when they want something in particular the girl recently my wedding band was stolen though it manically reappeared after a visit they always deny As far as the other adults in their lives like my mother in law they just make excuses they are never held accountable My husband tries and then is undermined by his mom and sister who allowed his daughter back on a phone after she sent pornographic videos to strange men I'm at my wit's end I want nothing more to do with them and now my husband and I are expecting a baby His kids have been rude disrespectful entitled and racist Any advice??
Bird - 20-Jul-19 @ 9:19 PM
I have a stepdaughter who always throws dummy outta pram if she doesn't get her own way she is 12 going on 40 she thinks it's ok it talk to me like crap but my husband doesn't defend me I'm literally on the verge of asking for a divorce as I can't deal with it he treats her buying clothes etc but I don't think it's ok treating a child for misbehaving but if I say owt I'm jealous,act like a child but in my eyes she a child has to respect adults to get it back I literally don't know what to do he wants to go away in August but darent just incase she kicks off n I want to go home I've never felt like this before but seriously can't handle it
Izzy - 20-Jul-19 @ 3:02 AM
Hello. I need some advice. I have been in my stepson's life since he was 9 months old. We were only supposed to keep him every other weekend but that has never happened. We kept him while his mother took night classes, every weekend, every summer when school was out. I've used my vacation and sick days to pick him up when he was sick and to stay with him until he could return to daycare or school. If he's in trouble at school or at her house, she expects us to handle it. He's been included in every family vacation, family event, etc. His mother leaves him with us twice a year to go to the beach and has never taken him on a family vacation. We plan our vacations around when he can go, taking him on cruises, the beach, etc. I've always treated him as my own. 4 years ago I finally had a child of my own, they are 7 years apart. He treats my daughter terribly. He also has a sibling at his mother's house who is 3 and is so sweet with him. My daughter is very bright, has a big vocabulary, can write her numbers and letters and is starting to read. He tells her she's dumb, nasty, weird, pushes her down, takes her toys...anything he can to torture her while his 3 year old brother can only say a few words because he is constantly on a cell phone watching YouTube videos (they call his phone "the babysitter")He spends most of his time here in trouble. He's gotten to the point where he puts all of us down, saying it's boring at our house because we are very strict on his access to the internet, social media and his video games. His mother does not put any restrictions on him and he is home alone most of the time, so he's got no rules or structure there. He's allowed to say whatever he wants and now my 4 year old is saying and doing things that are not appropriate. Attempting to correct his behavior while he's here does not work. He lies and makes excuses for the things he does, never admitting that he's wrong, just putting blame on everyone else. He gets to go back home and do whatever he wants so he'd rather just stay in trouble here and go back home where he has free reign to do as he wishes. His mother and I get along and she says the same rules apply at her house but he tells us differently and I've seen messages from her where she is giving him permission to do things we don't allow. I'm expecting another child in January and I'm so fed up with his behavior and how it's affected my daughter and how it will affect the new baby. I'm to the point where I don't even want him coming to our house anymore. When he's here, my daughter's behavior is terrible, he does everything he can to aggravate his dad to the point that they argue and when we correct him, he says we hate him, he didn't do anything wrong, it's not his fault etc. This is made even more difficult because his mother will only talk to me. She will not talk to my husband about anything. If he texts or calls her, she will ignore it and send a message to me. I've tried ignor
kJordy - 20-Jul-19 @ 12:25 AM
I empathize with everyone on here. I have read every available piece of writing on the subject and success relies o the biological parent not the child. If the biological parent is a permissive parent the child can’t mature. My husband treats his sons who are 18 and 21 as friends. They then act like friends who have been interrupted when I walk in. The younger one is defiant and answers back. They are home most of the day as they don’t have jobs or many outside interests. He gives them money to shop and cook. We have repeat bottles and packages of expensive products as they buy what they need without checking if it’s in the pantry. It’s like sharing a house and worse,kitchen. I really love my husband and I try to ignore the youngest behavior but It’s getting old after 8 years. I can’t see independence coming for a few years. I wouldn’t do this again. I wanted to live with my husband and thought I could make it work as my own kids are grown up. It would’ve been less stressful for all of us if we’d lived independently until we could live on our own. The solution was so simple. He just needed to assure his kids he loved them, that I was important to him, that we are the adults in the house, and that it was his job to be a parent not a buddy. I try to ignore everything and not say anything but as a human I feel like I am holding a lot in. I was an outspoken, confident woman with lots of friends and a great social life. I thought I could make this work and I couldn’t because it’s not about them and me.
Outofstep - 19-Jul-19 @ 8:21 PM
Hi, why wasn't this site here when i needed it 20 years ago.... I always thought I was the only step mum trying to make things work out on my own & getting it sooooo wrong!.... I agree with Sharron about the WARNING would I have got involved with a man with children, would I do it again? ...No I don't think so with all that my family have been though to the point of moving right away to the other end of the country just to live a normal lifeaway from our close family & friends as his ex was stalking our house at all times of the day or night, Leaving nasty messages on the answer machine at 2am just to wake my baby, chasing me & my little one around town screaming in apsychotic way at me in the isles of supper market shops !... I was so embarrassed as i'm not one to air my dirty laundry in public as the saying goes. I tried so hard but no matter what I did it was never good enough I gave as much love & attention to the children as I could, specifically the younger one as she had a lot of emotional problemshowever that was thrown back in my face.never bad mouthing their mother to them as i knew this was a NO NO. Background: My husband & I were childhood sweethearts then went our separate ways some years later both having had relationships we rekindled ours by this time he had two daughters 7yrs & 5yrs. After moving in with one an other I found I was expecting which was a surprise as I wasn't sure I could have children. I made the girls as welcome as I could included them in all aspects of the pregnancy shared scans & talked though any questions they had tried to reassure them that they where always welcome & this baby was an addition to our family not a replacement, however their mother told them different, I tried, however nothing was ever good enough for them i.e didn't like the food, Pizza what child doesn't eat take away pizza? the holiday wasn't good enough wrong place & why did I go? Didn't like the movie but had nagged about going for weeks this sort of thing, over the years they have been nothing but disrespectful to my husband & myself to the point of saying to my husband he was crying crocodile tiers at his mothers funeral last year, only getting in touch when they want Money,never wishing their father a happy birthday or father's day. I have been married to their father for 18 years, cried buckets & buckets over the hurtful things his kids have said & done over the years, we have two boys together 19 & 17 now. I don't want to spend time with his daughters any longer as I've tried & tried over the years allowing them to treat my home like a hotel,speck to me like something they have just scrapped of their shoes & always kept quiet as i didn't what it upset my husband & his family however they are rude & disrespectful not only to me but their father too, which always came directly from their mother, their father was & is to soft feeling guilty for not being there more when they were younger but our boys are
sara - 16-Jun-19 @ 3:35 PM
Another day.I do not want to see the kids.
Sammy - 1-Jun-19 @ 1:36 AM
I feel everyone's pain, but you are all blaming the wrong person.Your step kids are not the ones you should be made at and resent, they are only doing what their biological parent, shows them is OK.Your partners need to be your partner and do their part to ensure that you are being treated respectfully.... Right now I see a bunch of partners that are being disrespectful by not making sure that you are being respected....would your partner be okay if some guy came up to you in a bar and treated you like that?What it comes down to is, you need to talk to your partner and tell them how you feel and the expectations you have.Make sure to tell them you aren't telling them what to do, but telling them what you need.Then ask if that's something they will do and if they don't, then get a clue and you aren't worth the effort to them, so go ditch them and find someone you are worth it to.Good luck
Pabstsmear - 30-May-19 @ 9:25 PM
@mommyofonly2 Just read your comment, so so similar to mine.. only you're leaving and I havent taken the plunge yet.
Georgina step mom - 8-May-19 @ 11:46 PM
I need some advice please, my partner and I both have 2 kids each from previous marriages. He went to prison 4 years ago and his daughter came to live with me, her mum isn't well mentally. She was 13 at the time and I've loved and looked after her for 3 years. The paternal family barely even called to check and see how we were getting on, although I updated my partner and his mum all the time. It wasnt easy, she was troublesome, she stole from me, she lied to me, she drank alcohol and smoked weed. I began drug testing her and banning her from going out each time she did something wrong etc. I am very hot on discipline and she admitted that she needed it as she'd never had that sort of support before. I was in regular contact with her school and her friends parents, and organised counselling for her, she was messed up, dads in prison and mums suffers with mental illness. She was telling everyone I was her mum and my kids were her siblings. Although it wasnt easy my kids never moaned or complained about sharing their home and their mum and eventually we all fell in love with her. We were all one big happy family. My partners mum had a spare room in her house for over 10 years but never thought to offer it to my step daughter. And aunts and uncles, none of them did a thing. Then all of a sudden out of the blue they went behind my back and told my step daughter she needed to move in with her gran (my mother in law) she packed her things and didnt even tell me she was leaving. I found out via a txt from the gran telling me the room would be ready for her in a few days.. When I questioned my step daughter about it she said does it even matter where she lives and said she was going so that she could have her own room (she was sharing with my daughter). I was devastated and it showed, I lost my temper with the gran, and the uncle as they were accusing me of having withheld her from them and that I should've been informing them of her every move. I was doing telling her dad everyday but apparently that easnt good enough. It's been 4 months since she left and admittedly my household is a lot calmer, my kids are happier and have since admitted that they prefer it now shes gone. My partner though is being ridiculous and still cant understand why I got upset. His daughter and whole family have cut all ties with me as if I'd done something wrong. When I txt his daughter to ask how she is, she replies 'im fine' and then doesn't bother to even ask me the same back. She calls when she wants me to do something and is rude and hostile towards me. And he still cant see that she is doing anything wrong.. He has another 3 years left in prison, am I wasting my time on a man that cabt even support me or defend me to his family??
Georgina step mom - 8-May-19 @ 11:34 PM
This article is spot on. Trying to handle a 16 yo now who, after 7 years, “hates me” and won’t come over now, because “I try to parent her.” By parenting her, she means me having any say in how our household is operating. She doesn’t want to do things our way, like not spend the night with her friends on a school night, so she spreads 100% lies in order to not have to come over (and it’s a shared parenting agreement where time is split 50/50. I’ve only shown this girl love so this is very hurtful. Not to mention my relationship, my 4yo daughter (with the dad) and my sanity...
Snd - 7-May-19 @ 1:24 AM
Agreed but difficult to leave...It is not worth to waste your emotions on stepkids. At least I am stopping that now. If I do not see them for a few weeks, I do not miss them. I realized that. I would rather spend time being with him, my friends and traveling on business. I see them because I have to. Not because I want to.So when I am w them, I sometimes think why I am here w them...as I feel no existence of myself. But when kids are not around, I am happy and enjoying my life.
Marie - 30-Apr-19 @ 11:38 AM
LEAVE! My ex-fiance's kids turned out to be selfish/immature/easily offended/grudge holding/perpetual victims that were disrespectful to him, his happiness, me, and us. My ex's kids were raised to be the center of the universe, they expected me to bend over and prove myself. I don't bend over nor feel the need to prove myself to anyone, especially kids. When my ex's kids manipulative tactics failed on me, they ran to him and whined. To which he took their side and yelled at me because I upset them. You can see how that relationship blew up. My parents were divorced and we were disciplined if we mouthed off towards my parent's new spouses. If you don't mind being an emotional punching bag, then by all means stay. If your boyfriend/husband doesn't lay the law with his kids and support you, then why would you want to be in that situation?
Jennie - 26-Mar-19 @ 8:40 PM
WARNING!!!!!! If you are single and seeing someone with children.LEAVE NOW!!! it will only end in heartache and bitterness and crying yourself to sleep wondering why these sweet looking child/children hate you?19 years Iv tried so hard to be the best step mum.Alway making sure my stepchild was included and felt wanted and loved and making such and effort to try and make my stepchild happy.But I just get ?? on every time.Who would think a 5 year old could be so mean and horrid.Yes it true they can because I know.But I thought it would pass and they would realise how good I am to them and they would grow to love me back but at 24 years old this child still hates me.?? dummy here has just now decided she is giving up on wasting her time on this horrible human.Mummy to 3 children and a horrible stepchild.Sorry if this offends anyone just needing to get that off my chest and maybe save some young womanor mans life.
Sharron - 22-Mar-19 @ 6:11 PM
Hi I need your advice. My partner and I share two boys from his previous marriage. 50% of time they are with us. We came a long way and his ex is friendly. She has a nice fiancé also. My partner is suggesting to spend more holidays together for kids. I like everyone but I am the only one who does not have my own child. When three parents are together with kids, I feel extremely lonely. I almost feel I do not want to be there. They can spend time together. But I am afraid of upsetting my partner. I am so tired of just thinking about it.
Sarah - 25-Dec-18 @ 6:22 AM
I’ve been with my husband for 2 years now. Weboth have children of our own, and have separate households as he has his children half of the time and I could not bear to live with them. His daughter is the worst girl I’ve ever met. She is extremely obnoxious, loud, precocious for a her age (not smart, but in the adult way), and a bully toward my daughter and my self. She manipulates her father and gets away with everything she does, all she needs to do is cry, and her father just tells her that she doesn’t need to cry, that everything is ok. She always has to go first, she is the middle child as her brother is older and my daughter is months younger than her. Both of the kids have to do what she says, otherwise she cries and the other 2 get in trouble. She manipulates my husband, denies everything she has said and done to me and to my daughter. I am tired of not having the support of my partner. I finally lost it and I told my daughter she is a “trashy” girl. My daughter has always wished for a sister, and she sees her a such, and loves her. So she told her what I said, of course she started crying and her father is demanding me to apologize to her. However, whenever she does something to me he just turns things around, doubts me and says that I am inventing things, bc his daughter would never do anything bad. He is completely blind and I am tired of his lack of suppport, of him doubting me, of him being a bully to my child, of him being so permissive with his children. I do not know what to do bc I do love him, but I don’t see a future bc of his children, specially the daughter.
Step mom - 8-Oct-18 @ 2:46 AM
I discovered this site through a google search in a desperate bid to get some advice and tips on being a stepparent. I live with my partner and his 5 year old- it's a long story but he has had her on his owns since she was a baby. Things were going well and I was doing great at adjusting to being a step-mum. But just lately I am really struggling with getting her to listen to me, and it's since she has been spending more and more time with her bio mum. I know and understand that she is only 5 but she never listens to me, and is more likely to listen to other people, she blatantly disregards anything I am asking her to do or not to do, and thinks that she can do what she wants all the time. I know kids can be difficult sometimes but just lately it is all the time. I try to be nice to her and discipline her as and when I have to but nothing seems to be working and it's all getting to me to the point where I have to lock myself in the bathroom for half an hour and cry my eyes out. I am not sure if her bio mum is saying things to her about me as I am not around when she has to go and see her (which is once a fortnight) because that's just the type of person that she is, or whether it is just a phase the little one is going through but right now I feel so lost and all I want to do is cry all the time because I am overwhelmed and just don't know what to do. My partner helps me as and when he can but I'm really struggling with getting her listen and respect me....
AnnaB - 21-Aug-18 @ 2:12 PM
My husband & I have been married for 8.5 years & together 10. He has 2 children of his own & one that he raised not knowing if is his or not. I have 2 of my own. From the very beginning his children lived with his mother, as the kids mom was in prison. When we got together I already had my own place. He moved in to my place with myself & my children. For 3 years we only got his kids every other weekend which was great cause they weren't living with us full time. All girls & all drama. Then when they're mother was rehabilitated she wanted her girls. He glady gave them to her. That only lasted 3 years & mom started doing & selling drugs. The oldest now 17 wanted to stay with mom the middle one went back to grandma's & we got the youngest at 12. For the last 3 years that we've had her it's been hell. She's been caught smoking weed at school the 1st year we had her, second year was kicked out of school for writing an offensive saying to a teacher on the white board & now at age 15 we find empty beer bottles in her room. Needless to say I'm finally done. I will not allow her to corupt my 10 year old son. My soon to be ex husband only gives her a slap on the wrist. All his kids have been very disrespectful & have stolen my things. I can't believe it took me this long to finally leave. Please say prayers for me that I can find a place that I can afford. I'm starting over from scratch. I want nothing but my bed & kids beds. Sincerly, FED UP Mommy of only 2!
Mommyofonly2 - 20-Aug-18 @ 2:23 AM
I'm really lost right now. I have been dating on and off a widower for a year with three children aged 5,6,9. I have two boys aged 7 And 11. My (now ex) has the children full time where as I have mine half of the week. I took on his kids with open arms..I even visted their mum's grave at Christmas to support them. I played with them, chatted with them and treated them as my own. I also had my boys too and tried too treat all the kids the same which I did. I was fun and exciting. My ex doesn't have rules with his kids and they trash his house, they kick, spit , fight and name call their dad and my children.Their dad also smacks the two boys a lot which I don't like. I have also had my ex call me nasty names too. He says sorry and says he will make things right and he knows he needs to sort a routine with his kids as they stay up until 10pm most nights. But nothing really comes about. I did reward charts etc but my ex never followed it through so I stopped helping. I did notice he guilt tripped me over his children a lottoo and seemed to forget about my boys ? When myself and my boys stayed at his, his children would kick, hit and call my kids. I tried to be fair and tell all the kids it's wrong. I feel my ex put a lot of pressure on me to be mum to his kids. He didn't really like me doing my own thing and put his children on me emotionally a lot. As the months have gone by his kids have gone worse and his 6 year old bullies my 11 year old! He calls him fat, ugly, I don't love him, he's rubbish at everything . My son knows he can't hit him as he's only 6...His same son and his youngest does it to my yougest too. My son hits back but I then have to tell my son it's wrong to hit!I tell my ex what his boys do and he just smacks them!? Yet with my boys it's toys taken away, time out, teach them right from wrong! Things got so bad last week on holiday because his 6 year old picked on my eldest so bad my eldest went mental at me. Turns out he was so angry and hurt at constantly being picked on. I approached my ex who called my son a big baby and started saying it's because my sons hates women he's angry. It hurt me very bad!! Next day I went to the beach alone with my boys, had a great time too! But my ex followed with his kids near us...to top it off my ex bought his kids a toy beach rocket knowing my kids wanted one too. My boy's watched upset as they played asking why my ex just sorted his kids out? We didn't speak for a couple of days as I was so upset. We eventually sat and spoke but his kids started again with mine. I can't tell his 6 year old as he just laughs at me. When my kids tell my ex what his son has done he turns a blind eye ... It's been such an eye opener as to how he feels I should be with his kids 247 be their mum and feel their behaviour is acceptable? They don't clean up after their mess, have no toilet manners, greedy with sweets and food, trash the house...ye
Beckyloub211082 - 15-Aug-18 @ 11:02 PM
@Ash - it's always tough. How is your partner with your kids? The thing is we always view our own kids through rose-tinted glasses. I love my kids obviously, but my wife hates my kids. Yet, she praises her kids all the time (who in my eyes one comes across as being nice but is sneaky and the other rude and obnoxious). It's been four years both of us with two kids each, mine only over every other weekend. In fairness, I think it's hard taking on another person's kids when there are resentments. But it's taken its toll on our marriage and we are on the verge of separating because of my kids not hers. I am expected to put up and shut up, which I do most of the time. It is always about her kids, never mine. I feel guilty about that and try to make up for it with my kids, which the wife resents. Mine feel left out and they hate her for favouriting her kids first so it's lose all the way. Just showing it from the other side.
Jim66 - 23-Jul-18 @ 10:00 AM
It’s been 5 years. The first year was great.... then I watched it all begin to unfold. After BM met me and was completely disrespectful the SS started to be the same way. Playing a victim to his father and acting as if he was so unhappy because of me. And as it all came out he admitted it’s because I have rules and chores and because I don’t buy him things. Seriously! It’s an interracial relationship and BM likes to refer to me as “ the white girl”. SS won’t listen to a word I say unless it’s beneficial for him. I’ve told his Father Time and time again how tired I am of it. But SS’s manipulation is unreal. There’s always an excuse for him. He lies, sneaks out of the house and thinks buying dad gifts or doing good in school or in a sport makes things better (sick to even say, it does) I’m at my limit. He is a senior this year so I thought to myself... just one more year. But now him commuting from home to school is being considered. I have 3 children of my own. Their dad a drug addict, alcoholic who’s in prison currently... they witnessed abuse and had it rough for so many years yet they are the most caring, respectful kids and I’m proud of them. I wouldn’t make excuses for them if they weren’t. I’d set them straight. I’d not stand for disrespect. Needless to say... I’m ready to move on with my life. This tidbit I’ve written is only a small piece of what I’ve experienced. I’m turned off by the fact that a child and his mother can work a grown man like a puppet.
Ash - 22-Jul-18 @ 12:54 AM
I met my partner just over 2 years ago. He lives with his 18 year old daughter full time and 14 year old daughter splits her time between us and mum who lives locally after leaving a few year ago. We now have a baby daughter together and both are very good with her and accepting but eldest is very critical of my choice to breastfeed and generally any parenting decisions I make. She herself is desperate to settle and have kids but seems to think she can do it all better than me. Her attitude and behaviour generally isn't great, all the family complain about how she strops when she can't get her own way. I've tried hard to be understanding of everything that's happened in the past but now that I have a baby her criticisms hurt. I don't see her leaving home any time soon but am struggling to see where I will get the strength from to carry on. I often feel like taking my daughter and running away but I love my partner and want to be with him.
GemmaT - 24-May-18 @ 5:48 PM
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