Home > Emotions > Dealing with Feelings of Resentment as a Stepparent

Dealing with Feelings of Resentment as a Stepparent

By: Elizabeth Grace - Updated: 26 Jun 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
Parent Feelings Emotions Children

All parents experience moments when they may resent parts of their lives – parenting can be a thankless job at times, but for stepparents, who may take on many parental responsibilities without getting credit, the sense of resentment can be even greater.

Stepparents often deal with negative input from their spouse’s ex, who may be uncomfortable with a new person playing a role in the lives of the children, and even the kids themselves may not always be kind or welcoming.

So if stepparents are resentful at times, who could blame them?

Dealing with a Spouse’s Ex-Partner

Oftentimes, the biggest obstacles to a stress-free home life for stepparents come from the actions and attitudes of their spouse’s ex-partner. Exes often seem determined to cause trouble for their ex’s new family, refusing to allow the input of the spouse’s new partner to influence decisions about the children and even discouraging the kids from forming loving bonds with their stepparent.

While no one can control the actions or attitudes of another, stepparents may be able to minimise their frustration and resentment by requesting that their spouse intervene on their behalf, asking for at least respectful silence if true cooperation is out of the question. Unresolved issues between the children’s natural parents may prohibit the ex from ever accepting their children’s stepparent or appreciating the things that they do for the kids, but it isn’t unreasonable to expect that they could at least refrain from outward rudeness or troublesome behaviour.

Coping with Ungrateful Stepchildren

Kids often take it for granted that their needs will be met. Young children, especially, are inclined to simply expect things to be done for them without expressing gratitude to those who make it their business to provide.

As they get older, though, children should begin to understand that parents and stepparents typically work very hard to provide all that the kids need and often do without so that their children can have more. While a certain amount of gratitude doesn’t seem like an unreasonable hope, not all kids let their parents know that they are appreciative – some go so far as to complain incessantly about what they don’t have, rather than being thankful for their blessings.

The Importance of Expressing Emotions

Rather than being silent in their resentment, stepparents should express their need to have their contributions recognised and acknowledged. Sometimes, families have operated in a manner for years, never realising that their actions may be hurtful to other members. When a stepparent joins a family and finds that their ways seem disrespectful, it is quite possible that family members are unaware of how they are being perceived unless it is brought to their attention.

It is important for family members to talk about their feelings and to let other members know what they need to feel loved. Some people need to hear that they are valued, while others prefer that those who care for them show their appreciation by offering help with chores and lightening their load of responsibilities. In either case, stepparents (and other family members) cannot expect others to automatically know what makes them happy – they need to speak up.

You might also like...
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice..
[Add a Comment]
No no no lol not my best friends dad ..I'm am married to her baby daddy ...but keep in mind I didn't meet my best friend till after me and her ex broke up in highschool ...and you know how women are they get together and talk crap to figure out truth from all lies men tell that kind of thing...but you would think she would be pleased to know the whole eveil stepmother saga wouldn't be there with her child due to me loving this as my own since she was two and always treated her as well as I do my part n children even before I was with her dad ...this last time you would think she would be pleased he married someone who in turn loves their daughter as much as they do you know but no she tells everyone I'm a bad parent I do everything wrong and that I'm not he reason they didn't work but yet she never wanted anything to do with my husband after their daughter was born even went so far to accuse him of some things to keep him from seeing his daughter before he was even with me if she hates him so bad why is she trying to ruein my marriage...and the in-laws is a trip in its selves
Blondie - 26-Jun-17 @ 6:36 PM
@Blondie - yours is a tough one. It sounds like a bit of a mess especially if you ended up with your b/f's dad, she probably hates you for that, so it's never going to be easy :( It sounds like there are all sorts of jealousies flying around which are impossible to unravel. Can anyone else out there help Blondie? I don't know what to suggest. Ali.
alibabs - 26-Jun-17 @ 4:21 PM
@Jam - I just think it's hard for any parent to take on another parent's children. There are always going to be issues because they are not your kids and you haven't grown up with them since birth. Sometimes it can work, if the dynamic is a natural one but more often than not it's tough. I quite like my stepkids, but I know that they will always come down on their dad's side because blood is thicker than water.
alibabs - 26-Jun-17 @ 4:13 PM
Does anyone have advice on my problem or is it impossible to find a solution for???
Blondie - 26-Jun-17 @ 1:57 AM
I sense a lot of selfishness in some of these stories. Why should you expectstepchildren to suddenlychange and be everything you want . Depending on age andmaturity of the children give them a chance and help them to learn to accept you. If you believe in God you will have a different ifferent approach. A lot of patronising too . Patience is importantand I believe children as they grow and become mature will development appreciation.
Jam - 25-Jun-17 @ 11:13 PM
@Manipulativeexpartner - at least your partner's kids seem to like you. It could be worse - they could hate you. I actually like one of my step-kids and dislike the other and it's mutual. I get so depressed when I know she is coming round. I just feel like shutting myself off totally and letting hubby deal with the whole lot. But I have to put on happy, smiley face each time. I hope you work it out with your stepkids - it's only natural that you should feel and want the special bond with your own child so you should't feel bad about that.
Iwish - 19-Jun-17 @ 12:19 PM
I have three children of my own that were my husband and his families world until we started getting his daughter but keep in mind her mother used to be my bff until I ended up with my stepdaughters dad ....but now my children feel as if they aren't treated the same and I see it their not but it has almost tore me and my husband apart on more than one occasion ....I'm lost what do I do I love my husband but he don't see it ....and the baby momma trys to cause so many issues and she succeed because him and his family allow her to have that power I'm not aloud to be at pick up and drop offs all kinds of bull like that and no matter what I do I'm still the bad guy always destined to be I guess ....I'm just hurt I need help please help me ....
Blondie - 18-Jun-17 @ 5:11 PM
I can't believe what I am reading and can related to every comment. I am finding it difficult also. Although my partner and I get on great and coupled with that we have a beautiful baby girl. But since she has been born we have had his children on and off full time for over a year. Although the feeling of wanting to right by them is always there I can't help but feel resentful as they always take away my daughters bond with me as they are so needy for my attention. Mostly being that there mother is just useless and continues to use them as bait to manipulate situations and of course young children pick up on this.
Manipulativeexpartne - 16-Jun-17 @ 6:28 PM
I've been married to my husbandlittleovertwoyears.Weareboth in our forties and were high schoolsweethearts.Wehavecustodyofnow his 17year old son whom we have had since a week after marriage. Idonothaveany children of my own.Latelyfeel taken for granted by my husband and stepson. I find myself saying things like he's not my son. I do a lot for him with school and athletics. How candismiss these feelings without hurting my husband with the words. I love them both but there is a wedge coming between us. Help me Tiffany
Tiffany - 27-May-17 @ 4:04 PM
@Sunflower - Of course his kids are going to be important to him, they're his kids. Also if you look at it another way it shows he is a good dad and wants to be in their lives and he does not shirk responsibility. Would you prefer it if he didn't see them and chose you and your own child above them? If you do then it's a little selfish of you. I understand where you're coming from, I have difficulty with my hubby's kids - but I have to be behind him as I know he's a good dad to them and it makes him a better person in my eyes. If you took him on knowing he had a family you have to embrace the family too (as difficult as it is). It's about trying to develop good relations with his kids as they will sense your resentment and react accordingly. They are going to be in his and your life for a long time so you're going to have to figure a way around it in order to get through it. The stress of having the kids won't make a difference to your labour, when your baby is going to come, it's going to come, so that seems to me like an excuse on your part. Best wishes on the impending birth of your child - but stop looking for excuses, you're going to have to put-up. The best thing you can do is try to find the positive and try to make it work. Jenny <3
JF85** - 15-May-17 @ 10:31 AM
Hi 'Nana'. You should just be happy you don't have the hassle of having the child in your life! I fell pregnant to my partner very early in our relationship (it wasn't planned) and he has 2 young children already. We have them every other week for 4 days 'thurs, fri, sat & sun'. He wants to have them more. As I am writing this I am 1 day off from my due date and I have to have a sweep this coming Wednesday and we have the children thursday. I suggested that we don't have the kids this week as the idea of a sweep is that I go into labour and I will be 41 weeks pregnant. The midwife said the stress of having the kids will stop me from going into labour naturally but my partner won't hear of it. 4 weeks ago both kids had caught the chicken pox (I never had them as a child) and my boyfriend still expected us to have them. I called my midwife and she said absolutely not as me and the baby would be extremely ill and the baby would have to be put into the special care unit. He reluctantly agreed to change the days we had them so I wouldn't catch it. I feel as though me and this baby are never going to be as important to him As his other 2 and that I wish he would make me and this unborn baby a priority just for a little while for the sake of the baby's safe arrival. I've tried talking to him about how I feel he says I'm silly but his behaviour really makes me resent the kids. I dread them coming and get a rash on my chest when they are here through stress. I love him and don't want to be a single parent but I feel like I'm being eaten alive with resentment and bitterness at the moment. I don't know how much longer I can cope with this situation. Anybody been in a similar situation?
Sunflower - 14-May-17 @ 2:55 AM
Summer17, I have a question. If you two communicated as well as perceived from your post, you would've seen it coming. Are you omitting certain facts to cover a behavior problem or does your son walk all over you because you are his "safe space"?
Toast - 1-May-17 @ 5:46 AM
Summer17 - Your Question:
Can anyone please explain why a boyfriend would get jealous over their girlfriends son? What causes the jealousy and resentment? My boyfriend said he was madly in love with me and after a year he ended things so suddenly and said this was the hardest decision he has ever made. We laughed every day together and things between us were great although he felt our parenting ideas were different (he doesn't have children I have 2) - he got on so well with my daughter but couldn't gel with my son and in his few messages since breaking up he blames my son. Felt that my son is rude to me and it breaks his heart to see me sad. A few times he walked out on us over childish things, for example not being able to watch TV in the room my son plays Xbox, or if my son didnt want to do the same as the rest of us. It would take a few days for him to get over it and would say he needs time alone to look after himself. Just can't get my head round the fact that he apparently loved me so much but couldn't cope and walked away and seems to blame a 9 year old!

Our Response:
As with any relationship, there are some people we get on with and some we don't. This can span the ages. I'm sure there are some of your nieces and nephews or friend's children that you take to more than others. Whatever your ex's reason, the fact is he finds it difficult to get on with your son and has admitted to this. It may go both ways, your son may be slightly resentful of your ex and your ex has picked up on this. Or there are just difference that your ex feel are insurmountable. To use the cliche, you as a family come as a 'package'. However, your ex has to make a decision based upon and whether he can see a future with you as a family as a sum of three parts. Unfortunately, in this case he has made the decision not to pursue this path and for that you have to let him own that decision, for whatever reason he chooses. Taking on another person's children is not as straightforward as many people think. Some people take to it easily and will try to overcome any issues, some cannot see or do not want to see a way around it at all. Hopefully, you will meet someone that can embrace you and your children and who is happy to join you as a family whole.
BeingAStepParent - 24-Mar-17 @ 12:09 PM
Can anyone please explain why a boyfriend would get jealous over their girlfriends son? What causes the jealousy and resentment? My boyfriend said he was madly in love with me and after a year he ended things so suddenly and said this was the hardest decision he has ever made. We laughed every day together and things between us were great although he felt our parenting ideas were different (he doesn't have children I have 2) - he got on so well with my daughter but couldn't gel with my son and in his few messages since breaking up he blames my son.Felt that my son is rude to me and it breaks his heart to see me sad. A few times he walked out on us over childish things, for example not being able to watch TV in the room my son plays Xbox, or if my son didnt want to do the same as the rest of us. It would take a few days for him to get over it and would say he needs time alone to look after himself.Just can't get my head round the fact that he apparently loved me so much but couldn't cope and walked away and seems to blame a 9 year old!
Summer17 - 23-Mar-17 @ 8:12 PM
@Liz - you need to put yourself first otherwise if you sacrifice yourself entirely to someone else you wont find the happiness you want, as there will always be disappointment when he can't deliver. You have to imagine that if you left would you have everything in place that would allow you to continue your life as beforehand. Plus ask yourself the same about your husband? If he would and you wouldn't then there's an imbalance. Think about yourself a bit more, get your business up and running again and make everything else take second place to YOU, then you might find everything else 'might' slot back into place including your SS - just a suggestion. Nads x
NadineR - 8-Mar-17 @ 9:49 AM
I've been married for a year and a half and dated my husband for almost 2 years. This is my first marriage. I'm 38 and no children of my own. Wasn't sure if I wanted any but the older I get the more I'm starting to think that maybe I would like to have my own family. My husband has a child from a previous girlfriend whom has been out of control since we got married. She has been actively attempting every dirty trick and her acting....well holy baby Jesus! A standing ovation performance that leaves everyone believing every word. Once she is done she'll turn and smirk. I never once thought women like this existed. My SS is a 9 years old, and although we once had a friendship he has recently turned cold on me. I never once acted like his mother nor did I ever want to be. I was very clear about that from the being. He has a mom and I don't want to be his mom. Things have grown harder and harder. When one it felt like my husband and I had no boundaries and could make anything happen to now where we can even pay the bills on time. I've done everything and given everything into our relationship. Even my own business has taken a blow and a back seat. I love him so much but I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not willing to continue to give up the best of my years. I feel like we are never going to move forward. I've sacrificed so much to build what I have built only to see all my hard work disintegrate and have three non blood related individuals derail my life. I'm so heartbroken. I don't know whether I should just take my loses and go. I also don't have anywhere else to go. We had to sell my car to pay lawyer fees. Had to max out all my credit cards to keep us upfloat. My heart hurts and my head is numb. How could I be so dumb?
Liz - 7-Mar-17 @ 5:51 AM
This hits home for me. I have 3 young step children who have emotional issues since the breakdown of their parents relationship. The mother is the main root of the constant unhappiness as she actively includes the children in complaining about my partner and I or cursing and behaving rudely In front of them. They often come to us unhappy and seeking 'fun weekends' as the Mother does not save money for proper meals, clothes or prioritise trips out every so often. Luckily my partner and I have just enough saved through the week to take them to the pool or out for a family meal once in a while as a reward for good behaviour but they are often rude and disrespectful, I can only assume due to the Mothers bad attitude. My partner pays full maintenance money plus extra when the Mother is short, he pays her rent and her debts off. I myself a full time student with only an evening job will have to pay for school dinners each term, new shoes or basics like nappies and milk formula that the Mother has not put aside for (on state support, smoker, goes out clubbing every night we have them) My partner runs his own small business and does not make enough yet to pay more than she really is entitled to but we have to anyway. We have 3 beautiful children stuck in the middle of an entitled Woman who refuses to work and us working so hard we can barely keep our relationship let alone a blended family going anymore. Resentment is an emotional I feel every second I am disregarded by the children. I pour my heart and soul into everything I do for them and I love them dearly but they are so unappreciative, to the point where I have become very depressed. I come home from work and feel so invisible, no thanks, no hugs, no love. I am unable to have children and so every rejection I feel is another blow to my heart. I would do anything for them but they don't care.
LonestarTx - 4-Mar-17 @ 8:53 PM
I have been married to my husband for a little over 2 yrs, there is a constant power struggle between him and my 9 yr old son even after 2 yrs. He's often defiant and my husbands feels he needs to break these behaviors for him to be a responsible adult. My step kids often are allowed to get away with things my kids are not by Thier step dad and feel they are treated differently. I have tried multiple times to communicate this with him we always end up fighting with him telling me I don't understand his are only here for 48 hrs. I feel like I am banging my head against a wall when I all I ask for is fairness and compromise. How do I make this work??
Hjm - 3-Mar-17 @ 1:59 AM
@Nicole I think you also have to question whether you want anyone in your life that doesn't feel they accept your child? I'd take it slowly and see first of all how it goes. I'm saying this because it happened to me and I always felt as though I was pulled both ways with both wanting singular attention from me. My ex always wanted me to palm my kid off on her grandparents so we could have time together and my kid (sensing my ex didn't 'love' her - they're not stupid) was always trying to get me to herself. That was before the rows between them both when she was older. Both ended up quietly resenting each other and I did eight years of being the exhausted diplomat! It wasn't easy.....so even if your man sorts his issues out, there will be hard times ahead. Ali
Jessop23 - 30-Jan-17 @ 2:53 PM
Hello I've been with my partner for a year and a half officially ... although we've known each other a lot longer and we have an amazing relationship . Over the past year we've kept our relationship separate from my 3 year old . However I have now confronted him about it and said it's time we start making tracks with you and her to think about our future together . He freaked out . He said at the beggining he was okay with her but now he's struggling to accept her . He gets annoyed about the situation . He isn't jealous and he doesn't dislike her but he said he really wants to accept her and wants to want to be part of her life but he feels he can't and never will . He wants advice and to try anything to help him over come this feelings towards her and obviously I do too. I don't know what to say or what steps to put in place to support him as my daughters is dying to get to know him and she's such a pleasing little girl . It's ripping me into two x
Nicole - 28-Jan-17 @ 9:27 PM
I need some advice please!! I got married to my bf of 3yrs 7 months ago. He has a 6 yr old daughter. I was not allowed to be stound her when we were dating because of the ex she hates me because my husband would not take her back. I figured after we got married i would be able to be around his daughter and build a bond w her. But he told me a week after our wedding that his ex and daughter did not want to be around me. So now every weekend that he has her he is out of the house by 8 and sometimes doesnt come home till 12 am. I have tried talking to him but he always gets so defensive about his kid which i understand but i feel like he does not give me my place as his wife. I moved 5 hrs away from my family and friends to be w him and build a family but he Doesnt tell me when things will change. I ask him and he says he doesnt know. Please give me some advice. I feel really alone and feel resentment building up.
Nana - 20-Jan-17 @ 10:58 PM
Jo* - Your Question:
I was wondering if I could have a bit of advice please I've been with my partner 3 years and I have one child he has two, yes we've had the usual issues and ups and downs but it's been two years know since I've meet the children and recently I caught his eldest damaging a few things in a rage because they weren't happy they weren't being taken any where I Never get involved but I was quite upset about it and said I was unhappy and told their dad to which he shouted. the mother buys their love she doesn't know how to be happy and have fun without spending money, she just takes them for meals every day, buys them stuff all the time etc so there was frustration over not going any where that particular day. But low and behold this weekend we had a phone call off the mother who loves this she thrives on any thing to get to us that the eldest who we had an issue with didn't want to come up and is upset over their split we haven't really had issues with this before but 3 years later know we do I totally understand that time to time there'll be upset but I can't help but think it's over the fact she didn't like being told off. Know I feel totally upset and hurt because I bend over backwards constantly to make every one happy and it just feels know like a kick in guts :( when she did get here there was no issue they went out and I took my child somewhere else, I came home and she sat on my lap etc any advice please??? Do we not pay any notice as she is coming into her teens also thank you

Our Response:
There are always sensitivities on all sides in families, even with your own children (which we always seem to be able to ride out better because the biological connection is there). With step families of whom we don't have that 'history' there will always be the 'you can't tell me what to dos' and 'you're not my mum' etc. While kids may be accustomed to being repremanded by their mums or dads, there is often a sense of resentment or an outburst if the step-parent dares to step in and try to 'interfere'. However, as specified in the article it is important for family members to talk about their feelings and to let other members know what they need to feel loved, yet, the same goes if the children cross boundaries. Communicating why you are upset about their actions in an objective way and the reasons why you told their father can help, so that you and the children can talk through the issues and try to resolve them between you. On the plus side, your stepchild has obviously forgiven you and the incident has blown over. I'm sure there will be many similar ones to come, and let's hope they all end up with forgiveness on both sides in the end. With regards the children's mother spending money on them and 'buying'their love, we all know there are many things that kids enjoy where money doesn't have to be spent i.e a trip to the beach, a walk in the woods. All that create far more memories than a meal at a restaurant.
BeingAStepParent - 18-Jan-17 @ 10:04 AM
I was wondering if I could have a bit of advice please I've been with my partner 3 years and I have one child he has two, yes we've had the usual issues and ups and downs but it's been two years know since I've meet the children and recently I caught his eldest damaging a few things in a rage because they weren't happy they weren't being taken any where I Never get involved but I was quite upset about it and said I was unhappy and told their dad to which he shouted ... the mother buys their love she doesn't know how to be happy and have fun without spending money, she just takes them for meals every day, buys them stuff all the time etc so there was frustration over not going any where that particular day. But low and behold this weekend we had a phone call off the mother who loves this she thrives on any thing to get to us that the eldest who we had an issue with didn't want to come up and is upset over their split we haven't really had issues with this before but 3 years later know we do I totally understand that time to time there'll be upset but I can't help but think it's over the fact she didn't like being told off. Know I feel totally upset and hurt because I bend over backwards constantly to make every one happy and it just feels know like a kick in guts :( when she did get here there was no issue they went out and I took my child somewhere else, I came home and she sat on my lap etc any advice please??? Do we not pay any notice as she is coming into her teens also thank you
Jo* - 17-Jan-17 @ 11:02 AM
My situation is this. I took in my wife's two kids and all 3 migrated from the Philippines. When the daughter was younger around 10 she viewed me as a step father. She arrived here in the states when she was 14. Since she has been here she has never spoken a word to me, never wished me happy birthday, merry Christmas, happy fathers day. Nothing. She often avoids me around the house. She dropped out of school and sits around the house and does nothing. While the mother enables this behavior. I often feel excluded when all three are around because they speak their native Tagalog all the time. Even though they can speak English. I've tried to. I avail to have them speak English. I realised that the kids are indifferent to me. They don't dislike me but often ignore me . they grew up without a father, neither of them knew their father. They make no effort in trying to establish any kind of bond. There is four of us but often feel so alone. I'm the only step parent in a large extended family so there is no one I can talk to that can relate. This has taken its toll on our marriage. We argue all the time because I often go out with friends when I'm off to get away from it all. At this point I'm not happy and thinking about divorce because after 4 years it hasn't gotten any better. Unless you are a step parent you cannot understand the resentment I feel.I sacrificed so much to bring them here and the daughter hates it here, she resents me and her mom for taking her away from her life she had before. She doesn't want to go back, because all her friends have moved on several have already had a child. She has no ambition , no goals, has no plan and just sits around the house wasting her life away. I talked to the wife and she is just as stressed because she will lose me because her kids rejected me as a step father.
Depressed - 6-Jan-17 @ 6:47 PM
My situation is this. I took in my wife's two kids and all 3 migrated from the Philippines. When the daughter was younger around 10 she viewed me as a step father. She arrived here in the states when she was 14. Since she has been here she has never spoken a word to me, never wished me happy birthday, merry Christmas, happy fathers day. Nothing. She often avoids me around the house. She dropped out of school and sits around the house and does nothing. While the mother enables this behavior. I often feel excluded when all three are around because they speak their native Tagalog all the time. Even though they can speak English. I've tried to. I avail to have them speak English. I realised that the kids are indifferent to me. They don't dislike me but often ignore me . they grew up without a father, neither of them knew their father. They make no effort in trying to establish any kind of bond. There is four of us but often feel so alone. I'm the only step parent in a large extended family so there is no one I can talk to that can relate. This has taken its toll on our marriage. We argue all the time because I often go out with friends when I'm off to get away from it all. At this point I'm not happy and thinking about divorce because after 4 years it hasn't gotten any better. Unless you are a step parent you cannot understand the resentment I feel.I sacrificed so much to bring them here and the daughter hates it here, she resents me and her mom for taking her away from her life she had before. She doesn't want to go back, because all her friends have moved on several have already had a child. She has no ambition , no goals, has no plan and just sits around the house wasting her life away. I talked to the wife and she is just as stressed because she will lose me because her kids rejected me as a step father.
Depressed - 6-Jan-17 @ 5:31 PM
Dave - Your Question:
I will be quick and to the point because I have never ever posted anything personal. But am I supposed to be stoic about my wife and her 4 grown children ignoring me on text or phone this Christmas? I have done everything for them all for 8 years. Put my plans and dreams aside. Even built their mother her dream home. And this Christmas not so much as a call or text, not even from my wife. I'm not perfect for sure, but I don't drink to excess, don't cheat, and I am the savings guru in the house. So do I take this from my wife and her family aso they have what they want and now I am free to go? My wife is very close to her kids, and I love her for it. But I am still putting up with a lot from her and her familys "you don't really matter to us" attitude for 8 years. Wondering.is it possible that I should have stayed this long? I am not going to be anyone's retirement plan if I can not get a Merry Christmas amigo out of them. -- Done.

Our Response:
I am sorry to hear this. You have no obligation to stay with your wife or help support her and her children if you wish to leave. However, please keep in mind that as man and wife your assets are considered jointly owned, which means your wife will have a claim on them. Before you make any hasty decisions, you may wish to seek legal advice in order to explore your options.
BeingAStepParent - 3-Jan-17 @ 2:21 PM
I will be quick and to the point because I have never ever posted anything personal.But am I supposed to be stoic about my wife and her 4 grown children ignoring me on text or phone this Christmas? I have done everything for them all for 8 years. Put my plans and dreams aside. Even built their mother her dream home. And this Christmas not so much as a call or text,not even from my wife. I'm not perfect for sure,but I don't drink to excess, don't cheat,and I am the savings guru in the house. So do I take this from my wife and her family aso they have what they want and now I am free to go? My wife is very close to her kids, and I love her for it. But I am still putting up with a lot from her and her familys "you don't really matter to us" attitude for 8 years. Wondering...is it possible that I should have stayed this long? I am not going to be anyone's retirement plan if I can not get a Merry Christmas amigo out of them.-- Done.
Dave - 3-Jan-17 @ 6:36 AM
Ok, I have been in my 3 step kids lives since they were 4,5, & 6. At the their father lived with them and their grandmother(their moms side) and their mom had given up parental rights. Well a few months in too the relationship, their dad and I decide to move in together someplace else. As we do so, the grandmother gives custody back over to the mother somehow. In the mean time their dad and I find out we are pregnant. Everything was ok before that, I mean besides their mothers side of family being absolutely crazy. Their mother is a "woman of the night" if you know what I mean, and the kids have no idea. But their mother buys their love, at least that's the way it seems to me. And this has made the kids absolute a**holes. They are 10, 11, and 12 - my son is 5. Well this Christmas as well as last they have just pissed me off. Last Christmas they were very blatant about what a crappy Christmas it was (we got them each a few small somethings/clothes and the latest xbox to share) this year I walk in on them discussing how they got nothing for Christmas. We got them each something they really wanted along with a few small somethings/clothes, candy, etc. Then they went home to their moms for a few days and each got an iphone7, along with various gift cards and a trip to the mall. Even their mother called us the next day talking about how ungrateful they have become. in my head, I'm thinking-its your fault for trying to buy them!!! I mean, they each have a playstation 4 because the 12 year old can't share, now they each have a more expensive phone than me or my bf-and we work more than 40hours a week at regular jobs!!! And then my bf trys to blame it on me when its our 5 year old with a bratty attitude, I'm like-no, he is 5, he's still learning and he's picking up bad attitude form his brothers and sister!! ----FRUSTRATED!
tdub - 29-Dec-16 @ 1:07 AM
@mbaz I feel bad for you but you are going to have to have this out with your partner as it will not resolve itself. Perhaps suggest having a session with a therapist (just you and your partner) so it looks like you are trying to find a positive solution and not just attacking his son. My ex of three years had a son (now) 12 and a daughter 10, I got on ok with his son and very well with his daughter although I treated them the same. I cooked for them, played with them and never lost my temper, I really tried to be a positive influence but l found his son quite trying as he naturally has quite a selfish and spoilt nature, nonetheless I made an effort and things were ok, they could have been a lot better if my ex was prepared to discipline his son when he was being disrespectful but we all know how permissive fathers are when they're carrying that 'daddy guilt'. Anyhow I made it clear I did not want to take on a 'mother' role and would rather be like a big sister or an auntie, they already have a mum and I don't desire that role at all. My ex had a huge problem with this, like I was some sort of monster for not wanting to be their mum. Most professionals seem to think taking an auntie role is healthier but he saw it as an outright rejection of his children. Naturally our relationship broke down and to this day he still thinks I should have made more effort with his son. Maybe I could have, but trust me when I say I made a huge effort in general but I was not prepared to pander to his son's bad behaviour and insisted on treating the kids equally rather than baby his son for behaving moody and spoilt. Anyhow, my point is that it doesn't matter how hard you try because fathers are always going to think you could treat their kids better and that any problem is your fault and nothing to do with his or his kid's behaviour, so I guess we have to accept that or leave, like I did. It's interesting that mothers do not seem to have this intense yearning for their new partner to treat their children like little princes and princesses, perhaps it's because we usually take our kids with us and so don't carry the same amount of guilt. Fathers seem to be searching for someone to fill the supposed void in their beloved children's lives and as women we are regarded as substandard when we don't automatically and naturally fulfill this role to their expectations.
Ileft - 20-Nov-16 @ 11:10 PM
@mbaz I feel bad for you but you are going to have to have this out with your partner as it will not resolve itself. Perhaps suggest having a session with a therapist (just you and your partner) so it looks like you are trying to find a positive solution and not just attacking his son. My ex of three years had a son (now) 12 and a daughter 10, I got on ok with his son and very well with his daughter although I treated them the same. I cooked for them, played with them and never lost my temper, I really tried to be a positive influence but l found his son quite trying as he naturally has quite a selfish and spoilt nature, nonetheless I made an effort and things were ok, they could have been a lot better if my ex was prepared to discipline his son when he was being disrespectful but we all know how permissive fathers are when they're carrying that 'daddy guilt'. Anyhow I made it clear I did not want to take on a 'mother' role and would rather be like a big sister or an auntie, they already have a mum and I don't desire that role at all. My ex had a huge problem with this, like I was some sort of monster for not wanting to be their mum. Most professionals seem to think taking an auntie role is healthier but he saw it as an outright rejection of his children. Naturally our relationship broke down and to this day he still thinks I should have made more effort with his son. Maybe I could have, but trust me when I say I made a huge effort in general but I was not prepared to pander to his son's bad behaviour and insisted on treating the kids equally rather than baby his son for behaving moody and spoilt. Anyhow, my point is that it doesn't matter how hard you try because fathers are always going to think you could treat their kids better and that any problem is your fault and nothing to do with his or his kid's behaviour, so I guess we have to accept that or leave, like I did. It's interesting that mothers do not seem to have this intense yearning for their new partner to treat their children like little princes and princesses, perhaps it's because we usually take our kids with us and so don't carry the same amount of guilt. Fathers seem to be searching for someone to fill the supposed void in their beloved children's lives and as women we are regarded as substandard when we don't automatically and naturally fulfill this role to their expectations.
Ileft - 20-Nov-16 @ 9:36 PM
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice...
Title:
(never shown)
Firstname:
(never shown)
Surname:
(never shown)
Email:
(never shown)
Nickname:
(shown)
Comment:
Validate:
Enter word:
Topics
Latest Comments
Further Reading...
Our Most Popular...
Add to my Yahoo!
Add to Google
Stumble this
Add to Twitter
Add To Facebook
RSS feed
You should seek independent professional advice before acting upon any information on the BeingAStepParent website. Please read our Disclaimer.