While becoming a stepparent can present all sorts of challenges, one of the most common hurdles early on can be deciding on a name that the stepchildren are comfortable using in addressing the newest member of their family. Both generations are likely to find this an important topic and since it’s often one of the first decisions made by the newly formed family unit, it should be one that is done with care and consideration for all members.
Asking For Stepchildren’s Input
Kids are often every bit as opinionated as adults and when it comes to settling on names for the children to use when addressing their stepparents, the kids should be allowed input. Stepparents should not expect their step children to call them Mum or Dad, as doing so is likely to be considered disrespectful to the kids’ natural parents and the last thing that newly blended families need is an easily avoidable difficulty with exes.
In many families, stepchildren are allowed to address a step parent by their first name, yet even in these casual times, some adults find this practice unacceptable.
Requiring A Respectful Address By Stepchildren
In stepfamilies where the adults consider it disrespectful for children to call them by their first name, other options may be considered that are agreeable to both generations. Sometimes, an endearing version of the stepparent’s given name may be used, different that what the adult uses in their daily life, yet a natural derivative of their real name. That seems to work well in many families as it allows familiarity without sacrificing principle.
Avoiding Hurt Feelings Of Natural Parents
While some fortunate stepfamilies are able to operate without any drama involving ex-spouses, most are not so lucky. Even the most well-meaning adults can be jealous at times, especially when it comes to the relationship that their ex’s current spouse has with their children, and that jealousy can manifest itself in a number of unattractive ways.
In order to minimise the difficulties and promote healthy family interaction, stepparents should make it clear that they have no desire to undermine the children’s natural loyalties to their parents and merely hope to be a supportive and loving adult in the children’s eyes. Simple actions, such as encouraging the kids to use a name that isn’t normally associated with the parental role can help to assure parents that their children’s stepparents understand and respect them and their place of importance in the lives of their children.
Taking Time to Adjust As A Stepfamily
When couples decide to marry, it’s not unlikely that any children they bring into the relationship may feel awkward with their parent’s new mate for a period of time. Just as the romantic relationship needed the opportunity to grow and deepen, forming a loving family unit takes a while, too, and step children should be allowed sufficient time to adjust to their changing family.
In most cases, children learn to love and respect their step parent, but if the bond is forced rather than allowed to develop naturally, the kids might behave as their parents wish, but their hearts may not be in it. It is far better to take things slowly, and asking kids to choose (or at least approve) the name that they are to call their stepparent sends them the message that their feelings and input are both appreciated and valued.
I came into my partners life when his daughter was almost 2. He and his ex had a rough split. She is constantly involving herself in our life, texting all hours of the day and night.It usually has to do with their child,but its constant.She also became really upset when her daughter referred to my parents as nanny and poppy. We got married and I became a stepmom. The daughter goes to school now and still draws pictures of her family as her and her mom and dad. She do listen to me when she's here and seems to love me. We have her 50% of the time. I recently had a baby and was hoping that my stepdaughter could refer to me as something other than my first name to not confuse the baby too much when she starts talking.My husbands ex is dead set against her daughter calling me anything that it a term of endearment. Am I wrong to want this? I doubt my stepdaughter will want me call me anything besides my first name because her mother told her not to. Is there any advice on what I can do next?
Rachel086 - 17-Jun-19 @ 11:33 PM
I have 2 step daughters and at age 6 i sat my oldest down and had the im not your mom you already have a mom but I love you and I'm here for you no matter what she called me by my name for a year recently she has added momma in front of it i am overjoyed however I don't mention it just let it happen my youngest has always called me mom and her mother has flipped a switch on my husband and I and even my youngest (Just turned 4). My 4yr old daughter is now saying my mom says your not momma____ your just my first name and hey your not my mom randomly my reply is always the same even though I don't think she s old enough to understand is you are right I'm not your mom you already have a mom but you can call me what ever you want.... am I in the wrong
Momma becca - 6-Mar-19 @ 8:15 AM
@Amy, Khadi & PJ - I don't think step-parents should be called mum or dad, there are plenty of other names that can go around like da, pa, ma, or the first names. I think mum and dad should be reserved for the biological parents. Some parents insist the children called step-parents mum or dad, but I think it's wrong to force it if it doesn't come natural to the child. I think it should be whatever the child feels comfortable with. If they are forced to call someone mum or dad who isn't the child can end up resenting it. Nevermind the biological parent - especially justified if the biological parent is still very much a part of their child's life.
NannaBel - 6-Aug-18 @ 10:28 AM
That’s very respectful of you how you addressed your stepfather for your childhood years, especially considering he raised you and provided for you when your birth father chose not to. I do disagree with your statements regarding it being disrespectful for a child to call their stepmother “Mom” when she is raising the child. The womb nurtured the baby for 9 months naturally. The step parent nurtured the child for the entirety of the child’s life. Much, much more lengthy process. If a birth parent voluntarily steps out of the child’s life or chooses to have nothing to do with them, then there should be no shame in the child calling their new parent “Mom” or “Dad”, if that is what the child chooses. When children are adopted, it is not a tooic up for debate who is allowed the title of “Mom” or “Dad”. Birth parents cannot be changed or denied and most definitely should not be. Mom and Dad are the parents who raise you and provide for you, and always put you first. Even when your birth parents did not.
Amy - 5-Aug-18 @ 5:05 AM
my step daughter has complained about call me by what she was told to call me for 2 years and then when agreed on a name and she does not even call me that and she is a preteen and she pick out the name i just don"t want her to call me some thing she dose not want me to but when we pick a name she does not call me that "Its just to hard to call you something that i only called you one time but i don"t want to call you the other name"she says
PJ - 21-Jul-18 @ 4:23 AM
My stepfather, whom my mother met before my 1st birthday, was always "daddy" in some form or other while I was growing up. If I got mad at him and tried to call him by his first name I was corrected with a quickness by my mother, who was adamant I would NOT disrespect the man raising me. Yes my biological father knew and complained several times, even telling me on rare phone calls that that man "wasn't my damn daddy" to cause drama and unnecessary problems, but it wasn't his household to run. It was my stepfather's household, he was the man actively raising me 24/7/375, and he deserved my appreciation and respect, so he was daddy or at least "daddy Tom", but NEVER just Tom. He was my parent NOT my friend!
Now, on the other end of the spectrum I think a woman should NEVER have another woman's child calling her 'mama', because doing so crosses a sacred boundary and completely tramples upon the all important mother/child bond. You aren't that child's mother and shouldn't try to be either, because it wasn't your womb that nurtured that child. Using the case in the comment above as an example, the only way a stepmother should be addressed as is Mrs. <>.
Khadi - 14-Aug-17 @ 8:51 PM
My brother has a 3 year old who has just calling his new partner that he is marring mummy Sam and because of this his ex will not let him see her unless he tells his daughter off for calling his partner this. What can he do?