Communication With Both Sets of Parents: How to Improve?

Q.I have been in my step-daughter's life since she was four years old. Now she is nearly 13 years old and she appears to be finding it difficult to settle. While this is normal, I feel it would be beneficial to start to communicate better with her real mother and her step-father. How can her father and I go about encouraging and supporting these relationships between the four of us in order to improve the relationship with our step-daughter/daughter?

A.

Very often communication between parties is strained simply because there is no effort made on either side to overcome the divide and forge a better relationship. In this instance it may be that all that is needed to spark a better relationship is letting others know that a better relationship is desired.

However, as you are a step-parent rather than a biological parent, it may be best if any approaches made begin with your husband, the biological father, towards his ex-wife, the biological mother. Such an approach could be as simple as a telephone call or a small chat when dropping off or picking up his daughter from his ex-wife's care. During this talk your husband should make it clear that he is concerned about the welfare of his daughter and that it is his belief that better communication between both sets of parents will be beneficial to her. This will help make it clear that he's not looking for a strictly social relationship but one that will have direct positive consequences for the daughter that all parents love. If a chat is impossible between your husband and his ex-wife then a quick email or letter might be appropriate. Such communications should contain the same sentiments - that the welfare of the child is at stake and that the communication is desired to help her - and remain civil and polite at all times.

It may be helpful for your husband to give examples of the kind of topics that he feels both sets of parents should be discussing. School work, friendships, romantic relationships, hobbies, extracurricular activities and future plans are all issues with which each parents involved in your step-daughter's life should be familiar. If regular talks about these issues are impossible then perhaps consistent emails would be another option. The details of the type of communications desired should be worked out with input from all parties, and no one should be left feeling that their preferences were ignored.

Communicating well with ex-spouses can be difficult, but if each parent involved is dedicated to the well-being of the child then this can make it easier. If good communication is truly impossible then enlisting the aid of a neutral third party, such as professional mediator, might be valuable as well.

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