How Can I Create a Bond With My Young Stepdaughter?
Q.
My husband and I married about 12 months ago. We each have one child from a previous relationship. My son has formed a bond with my husband, as his biological father has never formed a solid bond with him. However, my step-daughter has both a stable mother and father.
She is adorable, but can be quite manipulative, often trying to cause division between my husband and I. No matter how I try to form a lasting bond with her, she seems to reject my attempts. She's 4 1/2. Any suggestions?
A.
The stepfamily transition can be a bit rocky, as you’ve found out, but in most cases, time takes care of most of the initial problems. The first year of any marriage can be a bit of an adjustment period for both spouses and when you add children to the mix, the potential for complications rises a bit. Rest assured that your step-daughter will learn to accept and embrace you; it just may take some time.
Kids are funny little people—the more they feel pushed, the harder they’ll resist, so it might be wise for you to take a step back and give your step-daughter a little space. The more desperate you seem to gain her affection, the more she may withhold it. Try to make the time that you spend with her comfortable and fun, with a focus on activities that don’t require a lot of talking. If she seems to crave one-on-one time with her dad, allow and encourage the two of them to pursue a hobby together, showing her that you’re presence needn’t distance her from her father.
Since she has stable relationships with both of her natural parents, your step-daughter isn’t in need of another “mum,” and I would recommend that you are careful not to make her feel that you are in any way hoping to replace her mother, even if only when she is a guest in your home. Speak well of her mum frequently so that she comes to know that you admire and appreciate her mother’s good qualities and that you respect their unique connection.
Speaking of your step-daughter’s mother, if she is willing, she can be a great ally in helping you to get on well with your husband’s daughter. Part of your step-daughter’s hesitation for developing a close relationship with you may stem from a worry that by doing so, she may hurt her mother’s feelings. Her mum’s assurance can mean a great deal, so if you or your husband feel comfortable in asking for her help, you may soon find that that manipulative four-year-old soon turns into a happy and cooperative family member.
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