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Handling Your Spouse's Hostile or Jealous Ex

By: Elizabeth Grace - Updated: 3 Sep 2019 | comments*Discuss
 
Handling Your Spouse's Hostile Or Jealous Ex

Even after a couple has ended their relationship, one of the partners may hold on to jealous or bitter feelings, forcing the other to deal with sometimes unreasonable behaviour for the sake of their children. When marrying someone with children, it can sometimes fall onto the stepparent to take some of the brunt of the leftover feelings of their spouse’s ex. Handling such a person isn’t always easy, but cannot always be avoided.

Securing the Support of Your Spouse

The single best tool in dealing with a spouse’s hostile or jealous ex is the support of the spouse. An ex exerts far less power to cause havoc in a stepfamily if their ex spouse makes it utterly clear that their antics will not be tolerated and will not give them the results that they are seeking. Often, trouble with an ex goes on longer than needed because someone takes no action, hoping that the situation will right itself, but that is rarely the case. If an ex is attempting to make life difficult for a new spouse, the situation needs to be addressed and the ex needs to be made aware that while they will always have a connection in matters regarding the care and welfare of shared children, their input is not welcomed in any other area.

Keeping the Kids Out of Family Squabbles

Sadly, children often become the real victims of the unsavoury behaviour of their parents if the pair cannot seem to maintain a respectful relationship. A couple who were once partners in life can become bitter toward one another if things don’t work out as they’d hoped, but the children should be kept out of the disagreements of their parents. Children have every right to a loving relationship with both of their parents and it is up to both partners to make sure that their kids do not feel torn in their loyalties. Stepparents can help by assuring the children that while their parents may have difficulties with one another, both love them and want them to be happy.

Making the Effort toward Family Peace

In the best possible stepfamily scenario, all of the adults would take steps to create an atmosphere of harmony for the sake of the children. The reality often falls somewhat short of this ideal, however, with complicated adult emotions causing ongoing hurt and conflict. Stepparents can sometimes offer calming input by assuring their partner’s ex that they are a valued part of the children’s lives and that no one has any desire to usurp their authority when it comes to the kids. Knowing that an ex’s current spouse understands and supports the need for natural parents to remain paramount in their children’s lives may help them to alleviate some of their hostile or jealous feelings.

Distancing Yourself from Drama

Despite their best efforts, some stepparents find themselves in the unfortunate position of being the target of the unsettled emotions of their spouse’s ex. When this happens, the best that they can do may simply be to steer clear of the ex as much as is possible, leaving their spouse to handle all contact with the children’s other parent alone. This is unfortunate because kids can benefit from seeing the adults in their lives conduct themselves in a mature and respectful fashion, but it is better to provide some distance than to jump in to an already turbulent situation, only adding to the drama. Taking the high road will show the children that even when faced with difficulties, responsible people can keep control of their response.

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Hello, My partner has a beautiful little girl T who is 8. Me and T have been in eachothers lives for two years and me and my partner are due to be married in a few months. Recently though T has told myself and my partner that "my mum doesn't like you very much, but I don't know why, she says that you are going to make me call you mummy and that you are trying to impress me" she also said that she has made mean comments about me and my appearance about mine and my partners relationship and that we copy everything that she does. Me and my partner are devastated T was very upset and has been keeping this to herself for months she has felt guilt because she said that non of the things she has said are true but she gets shouted at if she defends me - she is so beyond her years and has strong ethics. She said she is very unhappy with her mum and we are lost as to what to do. We want her happy wherever she is and have never said a bad word about her mum to her or in her presence we talk about her mum and what thins they have done together she is her mum and we want her to be comfortable sharing her life without worry. We can't speak to her mum about this because we don't want to betray T's trust in us and she is very scared of her mum, even stopped hugging her dad in front of her because she is scared her mum will be "angry" (her words) We have told her not to feel guilty for not defending me as it doesn't matter as we know the truth and she can talk to us whenever she wants. what can we do we want to reassure her mum again that I am not trying to be her mum and just want her to be happy but are scared T will be punished for talking about it as she has been told not to talk to us about anything between them. Please help it is giving us sleepless nights worrying about her ??
Veve - 3-Sep-19 @ 5:29 PM
Hello,I have been with my boyfriend for over a year, I was introduced to his 4 year old daughter 6 months into the relationship as requested by her mother. And since then I would go round to play or out to the park. This weekend we had our first sleep over the three of us. Which is 3 months after we initially met. We had a lovely weekend fun, playing. I knew not to over step my mark. I'm not this little girls mother and I'm.not trying to be. I just want her to be happy when she's around her dad and me. Our problem is the ex. She inundated my partner with messages and accusations which weren't true at all. She then called him constantly until he answered demanding to know every detail of the weekend. I have had no contact with the mother and I don't plan on doing so as she has badmouthed me on social media. I have suffered from anxiety and depression in the past more anxiety and anxiety attacks and this whole scenario is causing me stress. I have that weight around my neck on my chest again and carrying it around. I just wish she'd understand that I have no intentions in being her mum, but I understand this must be difficult but she's very abusive and angry. My partner dotes on his daughter and is being put down as a bad father which he isn't. Does my partner have to discuss what he had done at the weekend with his ex partner? He has parental responsibility his name is on the birth certificate. Can he ask in mediation for contact to be minimalised between them? X
Stressed.com - 13-Aug-18 @ 7:19 PM
Stressed out step pa - Your Question:
Hi everyone I'm looking for some advice, I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years now and he has a 6 (nearly 7) year old, she is lovely and I love her. We have now taken his ex to court as she won't let us take her on holiday have her for an xmas day or a birthday in 6 years my partner has never been allowed any of the above! She has now lied to the court saying we leave her alone with a minor (15yrs old) every weekend so we can go and do our own thing, this is complete lies! I work every Saturday and Sunday so this is never possible. I am so stressed and fed up with being dragged into this and to top is off I am only 21! Has anyone got any advice I just can't take this stress anymore!! I want it to be over and he can have the rightful time with his daughter. The mother never encourages the relationship between the two and has told the court she cries and cries when before is being picked up and when she comes home she is moody and tired! But when we have her she has so much fun, he takes her swimming to London on days out etc etc! PLEASE HELP ME

Our Response:
Many lies are thrown about in court. In cases of family law it almost goes with the territory, as parents as a whole agree out of court, so it takes a long while to get to the court stage. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order. The court and Cafcass are trained to see through lies, they come across them everyday from both parents. The main objective to keep in mind is court should never be an accusatory slanging match between parents. The court want both parents to keep in mind what is in the child's best interests as their priority. Therefore, unless there is a provable reason why your partner's daughter should be kept away from you both, then it is likely the court will issue a contact order regardless of false accusations. The courts do want fathers to have a relationship with their children and will do all it can to make this happen. So, just because accusations have been thrown about in court, it doesn't mean the court will believe them.
BeingAStepParent - 26-Jan-18 @ 9:54 AM
Hi everyone I'm looking for some advice, I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years now and he has a 6 (nearly 7) year old, she is lovely and I love her. We have now taken his ex to court as she won't let us take her on holiday have her for an xmas day or a birthday in 6 years my partner has never been allowed any of the above! She has now lied to the court saying we leave her alone with a minor (15yrs old) every weekend so we can go and do our own thing, this is complete lies! I work every Saturday and Sunday so this is never possible. I am so stressed and fed up with being dragged into this and to top is off I am only 21! Has anyone got any advice I just can't take this stress anymore!! I want it to be over and he can have the rightful time with his daughter. The mother never encourages the relationship between the two and has told the court she cries and cries when before is being picked up and when she comes home she is moody and tired! But when we have her she has so much fun, he takes her swimming to London on days out etc etc! PLEASE HELP ME
Stressed out step pa - 25-Jan-18 @ 2:59 PM
My husbands ex is very difficult to work with. She violates the court orders on a regular basis and tries her hardest to keep their daughter away from my husband. For example, she will not release her daughter on my husbands scheduled days because she takes her daughter to the doctor on that day. Or she tells my husband that his daughter doesn't want to talk to him on the phone and that's why her call are inconsistent. Any time my husband tries to stand up for himself she says he's dramatic or a cry baby. Just recently she is trying to drag me into the drama since other tricks have not worked in her favor. She told him that she didn't want me picking up their daughter if my husband was unable to and that she will call a social worker. My thoughts were go ahead! What is she going to tell them? That her ex's wife is picking up their daughter while he is at work? This women is crazy and I wish she would disappear because she is causing stress to both my husband and I. I just don't know what to do.
Shell - 16-Jan-18 @ 10:45 PM
My concern lies in the fact that she was sneaky about it and international. .I'm concerned she will do something to harm myself and or my position with the company
Stressed step mom - 10-Oct-17 @ 1:53 AM
@LivT yes she knew in advance where i work. She even asked my step son if she should take the job. The position is available at many different locations of my employer. .even locations closer to where she lives.
Stressed step mom - 10-Oct-17 @ 1:38 AM
@Stressed step mom - that's pretty unfortunate. Perhaps your employer may be empathetic and move her to a different department. Otherwise, you're going to have to suck it up. Your employer may have not done it intentionally - but there's no going back once the job has been offered. Does she know you work there? She might not be aware you work there and may not join the company once she knows.
LivT - 9-Oct-17 @ 4:07 PM
My husband's ex who we/i have had very undesirable interactions with has suddenly decided to get a job at my work (hired about 2 weeks ago). .work says there's no way to keep her away from me because there are "laws protecting her"..I've been there 5 years.this is causing severe anxiety for me..any suggestions on how else i can handle this..i already spoke to the supervisor and manager and made them aware.
Stressed step mom - 7-Oct-17 @ 8:53 AM
@Paula - some people never give up do they. They have to be hostile. This is her problem not yours. You just have to ignore it and let her get on with eating herself up from the inside! Han <3
HBS^8 - 17-Feb-17 @ 9:53 AM
My partner doesn't get to see his children dedpite me taking them on and them knowing me. His ex partner has caused trouble none stop for 3years, I moved away from the area due to this enough was enough, now my partner made the decision to give everything up and move with to be with me. Now I'm to blame for him not seeing his kids, and I get things like "everything was ok before you came along" & "and he's still sleeping with me" stalking my social media her getting her pals to contact me, accusing me of brain washing her kids the list is endless!Even 3years on she's still the same!
Paula - 16-Feb-17 @ 12:08 AM
My son does not want me to have anything g to do with his ex wife. They have 2 children and she is preparedto meet up with them to keep contact with their grandparents.He never wants to meet up with children, prefers to be with his friends, which is fine, but daughter in law, still wants us to have time with them,as do we.He got so angry when we met up and now forbids us to meet. He has a new woman in his life and wants to put the old one behind him, but how is it possible, when they have young children together?
Worried - 1-Jan-17 @ 9:12 PM
My partner of months, was having access twice a week until he was hospitalized in early Dec.I advised his ex he would not be seeing children for few weeks as he was in hospital.She demanded to know which hospital (saying kids wanted to know 11 &12 years btw).She is now refusing access and the 2 meets p/w, says we can give her kids Xmas gifts and she will pass them on but my partner can have no contact "its too upsetting, and you wouldn't tell me where you were" Can she do this? Was I wrong to conform to my partners request to not divulge his whereabouts (last time he was in hospital she wrote to the ward, telling him she was changing kids names and he would never see them again). Where do we go from here?.Btw they were married when kids were born and he is on birth cert...
Ann - 1-Jan-17 @ 11:12 AM
Rosie - Your Question:
I'm so sad. I'm having to let go of my relationship with my 3 year old stepdaughter, who I love. I have been in her life since she was a baby. I just cannot take her mother's behaviour anymore. Hermmother trains her up to say things to my daughter (who loves her to bits) 'you're not my sister'. We play with the dolls house and she roleplays her mum locking me, her dad and my daughter in a room and saying not to play with us while they have cuddles. It just hurts too much. I'm always so happy to see her, but always end up crying (away from her obviously). My husband totally understands and supports me. He's just so sad too. Can anyone offer advice?

Our Response:
I am very sorry to hear this. It is very upsetting when a step-parent is close to a step-child and there is a separation as essentially there is little the non-biological parent can do. I can only advise you to seek legal advice as dependent upon the situation there may be some recourse - but unfortunately it is unlikely.
BeingAStepParent - 22-Aug-16 @ 2:35 PM
I'm so sad. I'm having to let go of my relationship with my 3 year old stepdaughter,who I love.I have been in her life since she was a baby. I just cannot take her mother's behaviour anymore.Hermmother trains her up to say things to my daughter (who loves her to bits) 'you're not my sister'. We play with the dolls house and she roleplays her mum locking me, her dad and my daughter in a room and saying not to play with us while they have cuddles.It just hurts too much.I'm always so happy to see her,but always end up crying (away from her obviously).My husband totally understands and supports me. He's just so sad too. Can anyone offer advice?
Rosie - 20-Aug-16 @ 4:05 AM
Part 3 - We're fully expecting text messages about uniform and water and school trips. I feel sad that this is the approach he is taking but I don't blame him in the slightest. She earns a good wage and has a house in London (for free) with an incredibly small mortgage and there are no financial obligations to go back and forth while there is 50/50 child care. My question is overall how does anyone approach and start to make this better? I'm scared for my partner that she'll start using the children against him again and while I can't stop this happening if she chooses to I want to help him and protect him against all the pain and stress again. I don't believe in giving her what she wants for an easy life and neither does he and sadly if there continues to be no goodwill in my opinion there isn't much we can do. Do we sit back and wait for her to offer a slight olive branch? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
PerkP - 16-Aug-16 @ 11:56 AM
Part 2 - Continued... The items were things she didn't request in the Consent Order and to my knowledge had never asked for. We knew what this was and just ignored it however my partner got a message from a work colleague kindly telling him that things were being said about me and then I received the messages so he had to contact her to instruct her to take it down and apologise. During this debacle she even text my partner moaning about something else and didn't mention the items once to either of us which confirmed to us it was all for show) Eventually he wrote up to 3 letters to her solicitor just about contact and copied in pictures of her text messages and finally she gave in. She still refuses video to have some control but he gets phone calls 3x a week which is all he wanted. We both suspect the content of the letter was irrelevant and that it was just a shouting out against the world but we've had no reply at all. He knows her better than me and claims she's unfortunately the type of the individual that thinks paying for things will fix them and so didn't expect another letter to come through. She's also texting his own mother saying she's got no money left which is absolutely ridiculous with her wage and ridiculously low out-goings. She apparently spent all of his money when married and threatened to divorce him if he stopped it and i've personally seen her level of shopping addiction. She spent £100 on school shorts for the youngest boy when they only had 5 weeks of school left... Another arrangement that I noted when I met the children was that she would buy all the uniform and then bill him for half of it. He initially agreed and then realised she thought the children needed 3 pairs of Clarks shoes a year each and the most expensive top of the range M&S plain clothes. The children go to a state school that requires nothing but plain white polo shirts, grey shorts and a school caridgan and jumper with a logo on. She would e-mail him with receipts and just expect him to go halves on everything and it was particularly indulgent. He's finally cut off the arrangement and told her they can buy separately and she's turned predictably bitter. We're now in limbo about the texts he'll receive ( even though we've agreed to ignore them) and the trouble she'll cause through the school. She previously wrote multiple disingenuous notes in their Contact Books about how she couldn't afford things or obtain them due to him. They were all ignored by us and the school. The whole situation is rather typical in my eyes and my solution to it (and is something I always voice to him) is to ignore it. Unless it's an emergency I've said to him that I would completely ignore it. While there is no goodwill there can't be any co-parenting and I know he agrees. We're fully expecting to be messed around with contact in the future as it's only been a few weeks of constant contact and we're fully expecting text messages about uniform and
PerkP - 16-Aug-16 @ 11:55 AM
I'm in a new and serious relationship of 1 year with a father of two young children. The ex-wife has been nothing but disruptive. She left him and there was to my knowledge no affair, violence or anything. He bought her a house around the corner and she complained it wasn't her 'dream home'. She stole things from the house that weren't on the Consent Order and forced my partner to ask her to move in to her house a week early because he was going abroad for work and didn't trust her to not steal more. She left peacefully but then proceeded to ring his own mother and start a huge facade about being kicked out. Since then he says she's been nothing but bitter. Fast forward to me meeting him and there was a predictable back lash from her when he stopped answering her goading and pointless text messages. However the most important thing was that she wasn't letting contact happen with the children. They have 50/50 child care and on the weeks he asked for video phone calls 3 times a week for 5 minutes she never picked up the phone on a consistent basis. She would do it once if he was lucky and then would ring unannounced on his weeks expecting to talk to them whenever she pleased. When I was around he never stopped her speaking to them and patiently and calmly kept asking her to reciprocate with no success. The pressure rose until he finally snapped and told her he would no longer have anything to do with her unless there was an emergency. Not believing him because he'd been so nice she was totally shocked when he didn't pick up the phone and start phoning up to 20 times in a row. He did very well ignoring her and sacrificed his own 1 phone call a week if lucky with his children. I supported him in the background greatly. We had a lovely feeling of having some ' time off ' when she had the control taken away and we no longer needed to deal with anything. Texts kept coming through about the children to get his attention but they weren't urgent and he completely ignored them. It was bliss! We both knew however that it wasn't a sustainable option and eventually a solicitors letter came through the door from her stating she wanted contact 3x a week ( exactly what he'd been trying to get for the last 18 months! ) and more money and split uniform costs and lots of generic things. My partnerwrote back agreeing with contact with both of them and tried to set up a routine. This failed as she is incapable of taking instructions from him and desperate to be in control. (Before this letter had happened I had received multiple messages from her family about giving away her things. My partner and I started clearing out old furniture and things she'd left behind and wasn't interested in like bits of fabric, books and cabinets. I put these things up on offer on social media and didn't expect her to see them at all. She proceeded to be told by another female who was connected to my partner and all hell broke out! The items were things she didn'
PerkP - 16-Aug-16 @ 11:50 AM
Kimber - Your Question:
Me and my new husband have been married for a little over 3 years. He and I both have x spouses, I have 2 children and he has one with her. We have none together. His x wife has for sure been having issues with him getting remarried. She all but refused her daughter to attend our wedding, she constantly tries to one up us with trips, gifts, and is very controlling with the time. He took her back to court for more time and to reduce what he paid her, and he paid her very well I might add. He was granted most of the things he sought. This caused more turbulence. She lies to try to keep us out of the picture. For example; I asked to go eat lunch with my step daughter one day at school and what time she had it. She told me the time she goes back to class. Luckily I got to the school early and the lady in office told me accurate time. The x wife is a very pretty woman, I am not what you would say full of myself, but I believe myself to be attractive. She talked a lot of smack that later got back to me that although I was a pretty girl, I wore lots of makeup ( I hardly wear any) and she wears quite a bit in my opinion. I'm not like her, I'm laid back where she is uptight, she is on the go and I'm a homebody. For the longest time I could not figure out why she behaved the way she did, there is so much to tell but I'll spare everyone lol. Then a good friend told me she was jealous and a control freak and was probably resentful he had moved on. Can this really be true?? She has even gotten remarried, the same year we did I would say 5 months after we did, to the first guy she dated after she and my now husband split. What should I do?

Our Response:
I can only really direct you to the information in the article, which says, despite their best efforts, some step-parents find themselves in the unfortunate position of being the target of the unsettled emotions of their spouse’s ex. When this happens, the best that they can do may simply be to steer clear of the ex as much as is possible, leaving their spouse to handle all contact with the children’s other parent alone. This is unfortunate because kids can benefit from seeing the adults in their lives conduct themselves in a mature and respectful fashion, but it is better to provide some distance than to jump in to an already turbulent situation, only adding to the drama. Taking the high road will show the children that even when faced with difficulties, responsible people can keep control of their response. In addition, with regards to your step-daughter, if you get on with her, keep trying to forge a relationship, but perhaps keep her mother out of the conversation, because then your will not be saying anything that could be deemed antagonostic. Sometimes, a jealous ex just need the slightest bit of fuel to create a fire. I hope this helps.
BeingAStepParent - 25-Sep-15 @ 9:57 AM
Me and my new husband have been married for a little over 3 years. He and I both have x spouses, I have 2 children and he has one with her. We have none together. His x wife has for sure been having issues with him getting remarried. She all but refused her daughter to attend our wedding, she constantly tries to one up us with trips, gifts, and is very controlling with the time. He took her back to court for more time and to reduce what he paid her, and he paid her very well I might add. He was granted most of the things he sought. This caused more turbulence. She lies to try to keep us out of the picture. For example; I asked to go eat lunch with my step daughter one day at school and what time she had it. She told me the time she goes back to class. Luckily I got to the school early and the lady in office told me accurate time. The x wife is a very pretty woman, I am not what you would say full of myself, but I believe myself to be attractive. She talked a lot of smack that later got back to me that although I was a pretty girl, I wore lots of makeup ( I hardly wear any) and she wears quite a bit in my opinion. I'm not like her, I'm laid back where she is uptight, she is on the go and I'm a homebody. For the longest time I could not figure out why she behaved the way she did, there is so much to tell but I'll spare everyone lol. Then a good friend told me she was jealous and a control freak and was probably resentful he had moved on. Can this really be true?? She has even gotten remarried, the same year we did I would say 5 months after we did, to the first guy she dated after she and my now husband split. What should I do?
Kimber - 24-Sep-15 @ 1:06 AM
My boyfriendsplit with his wife 18 months ago. We've been dating for over a year. I haven't met his kids yet, but have met his ex to try to show I want to do the right thing and handle it as best I can. She has been texting me calling me the 'wicked stepmother' and saying meeting me will be damaging for her girls. But he wants me to meet them and it is causing endless arguments. I want to do the right thing by them, but it seems to be at the expense of my relationship. He doesn't feel they would be damaged by meeting me. The girls are 4&8 years old. I really don't know what to do. I'm scared of the power the ex has and that she will turn them against me and the pressure will be the end of my relationship. But if idont meet them it will continue to break his heart. I can't cope with the constant drama either. Any advice would be amazing!
Daisy - 23-Aug-15 @ 4:12 PM
Swifty - Your Question:
My former step children are having issues with my new fiance. The 18 year former step son lived with me for over a year so he could graduate high school. His mother moved 10 minutes away out of county and his real father lives near also. I did my parental duty even though I was technically not his step father anymore. He graduated and moved in with his father so his girlfriend could move in with him. His older sister moved to Japan 2 years ago and was married now divorced and all of them, exwife, former stepson and former stepdaughter are causing drama because I am updating "MY" house and moving, but I refuse to let a 22 year old move back in with me and my fiance. They are all blasting me on Facebook that a stepparent should do the responsible thing, which I no longer am a stepper entry because of the divorce. I love the kids and would within reason but I am no longer responsible for their actions. Am I looking at this the wrong way. I want to move on but yet they keep causing drama and now some of my neighbors are buying into it.

Our Response:
This is a tricky situation. I can only suggest you keep away from social media temporarily so that you are not subject to this, as social media really isn't the place to air such views. Of course you are well within your rights not to support your step-children to this extent, especially if you are trying to set up a life with your fiance. However, communication is the key. Stress you are still willing to love them, see them and support them, but you have your own life and they need to be able to appreciate and respect this.
BeingAStepParent - 14-Aug-15 @ 12:14 PM
My former step children are having issues with my new fiance.The 18 year former step son lived with me for over a year so he could graduate high school.His mother moved 10 minutes away out of county and his real father lives near also.I did my parental duty even though I was technically not his step father anymore.He graduated and moved in with his father so his girlfriend could move in with him.His older sister moved to Japan 2 years ago and was married now divorced and all of them, exwife, former stepson and former stepdaughter are causing drama because I am updating "MY" house and moving, but I refuse to let a 22 year old move back in with me and my fiance.They are all blasting me on Facebook that a stepparent should do the responsible thing, which I no longer am a stepper entry because of the divorce.I love the kids and would within reason but I am no longer responsible for their actions.Am I looking at this the wrong way.I want to move on but yet they keep causing drama and now some of my neighbors are buying into it.
Swifty - 13-Aug-15 @ 1:07 PM
I can't help be angry and people don't want to be around me anymore. What do I do? M
Va - 26-Mar-15 @ 6:07 AM
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