Handling Your Spouse's Hostile or Jealous Ex

Even after a couple has ended their relationship, one of the partners may hold on to jealous or bitter feelings, forcing the other to deal with sometimes unreasonable behaviour for the sake of their children. When marrying someone with children, it can sometimes fall onto the stepparent to take some of the brunt of the leftover feelings of their spouse’s ex. Handling such a person isn’t always easy, but cannot always be avoided.

Securing the Support of Your Spouse

The single best tool in dealing with a spouse’s hostile or jealous ex is the support of the spouse. An ex exerts far less power to cause havoc in a stepfamily if their ex spouse makes it utterly clear that their antics will not be tolerated and will not give them the results that they are seeking. Often, trouble with an ex goes on longer than needed because someone takes no action, hoping that the situation will right itself, but that is rarely the case. If an ex is attempting to make life difficult for a new spouse, the situation needs to be addressed and the ex needs to be made aware that while they will always have a connection in matters regarding the care and welfare of shared children, their input is not welcomed in any other area.

Keeping the Kids Out of Family Squabbles

Sadly, children often become the real victims of the unsavoury behaviour of their parents if the pair cannot seem to maintain a respectful relationship. A couple who were once partners in life can become bitter toward one another if things don’t work out as they’d hoped, but the children should be kept out of the disagreements of their parents. Children have every right to a loving relationship with both of their parents and it is up to both partners to make sure that their kids do not feel torn in their loyalties. Stepparents can help by assuring the children that while their parents may have difficulties with one another, both love them and want them to be happy.

Making the Effort toward Family Peace

In the best possible stepfamily scenario, all of the adults would take steps to create an atmosphere of harmony for the sake of the children. The reality often falls somewhat short of this ideal, however, with complicated adult emotions causing ongoing hurt and conflict. Stepparents can sometimes offer calming input by assuring their partner’s ex that they are a valued part of the children’s lives and that no one has any desire to usurp their authority when it comes to the kids. Knowing that an ex’s current spouse understands and supports the need for natural parents to remain paramount in their children’s lives may help them to alleviate some of their hostile or jealous feelings.

Distancing Yourself from Drama

Despite their best efforts, some stepparents find themselves in the unfortunate position of being the target of the unsettled emotions of their spouse’s ex. When this happens, the best that they can do may simply be to steer clear of the ex as much as is possible, leaving their spouse to handle all contact with the children’s other parent alone. This is unfortunate because kids can benefit from seeing the adults in their lives conduct themselves in a mature and respectful fashion, but it is better to provide some distance than to jump in to an already turbulent situation, only adding to the drama. Taking the high road will show the children that even when faced with difficulties, responsible people can keep control of their response.