The death of a parent is an extraordinarily stressful event for children, but with the love and support of those nearest to them, most can begin to heal and look back with fond memories, rather than tears. Stepparents, especially those who share the home where the children spend most of their time, can be of great assistance to the kids, offering them a wiling ear and a safe place to share their feelings.

Respecting a Child’s Grief

Every child is different and each grieves in their own way. Some kids are verbal about their feelings and find comfort in talking about their deceased parent, but others prefer to pull back and reflect more privately. There are no “right” and “wrong” ways to manage the grieving process, but all children, regardless of their age, should be afforded the time and support to heal in their own way.

If a death of a parent has occurred recently, kids may act out and behave in ways that are quite unlike their typical personalities. Many are understandably angry or frightened, some simply sad. Whatever their feelings, grieving children need to be allowed and encouraged to express themselves and find ways to move on.

Honouring the Memory of a Child’s Deceased Parent

Most stepparents care a great deal about their stepchildren and actively seek ways to make the kids feel loved and appreciated. When the children have lost a parent to death, they may have an especially hard time developing an attachment to a stepparent, feeling that in some way, bonding with their parent’s new partner would be disloyal to their deceased parent.

Parents and stepparents can provide their children with assurance by making it clear that they are welcome to talk about the parent that they lost as often as they need to. Additionally, stepparents who encourage the kids to remember and honour the memory of their lost parent show the children that they are not hoping to take that parent’s place, but want only to be considered an additional loving adult in their lives, can help kids to accept a stepparent without feeling guilty.

Knowing When to Seek Professional Counselling

Sometimes, kids have an especially difficult time coping with the death of a parent and are unable to move on. Symptoms of excessive anxiety or depression should be addressed by professionals, who can help the kids to work through their difficult emotions. Grief counsellors are trained to recognise unhealthy grieving and to help the grief-stricken to find ways to manage their suffering.

When the Deceased Parent is the Stepparent’s Spouse

Legally, stepparents do not have automatic rights to their stepchildren, so if their spouse were to die, they may lose contact with the stepchildren unless the kids’ other parent chooses to keep in touch. This separation can be quite traumatic for the children, who then lose not only their natural parent, but their stepparent, as well. While the ultimate decision about the children being allowed to maintain relationships with their stepparent falls into the hands of the kids’ remaining natural parent, there are steps that stepparents can take to increase the chances that they’ll be permitted to keep in contact with the kids.

If there has been discord between the two, stepparents may want to approach the children’s parent to express a sincere desire to put the past behind them and start fresh. Offering assurance that they are not trying to be intrusive and only wish to make themselves available to the children should they be needed may help, and it may be beneficial to express concern about the children experiencing additional and unnecessary loss, but in the end, the decision must be left to the wisdom of the children’s remaining parent.