One in three people in the UK today is likely to be involved in a step family in some way at some point in their life. In a new family, children come as part of the package and it is very common for the step parent to suffer from feelings of guilt, isolation and anxiety. The established parent can also find things hard and have worries and concerns of their own.
Benefits of Counselling
The benefits of counselling to help both your relationship and your family are well documented, and RELATE is undoubtedly the best known organisation to assist with this. Counsellors are trained to deal with the specific issues encountered by step families and are there to listen and suggest a variety of solutions that can be very useful in helping families to move forward.
Living with Other People’s Children
Living with other people’s children is never easy, and in her book Step Families, counsellor Suzie Hayman gives sound, practical advice on dealing with everything from balancing the needs of you and your partner with the needs of your children, to coming to terms with the role of the ex partner and deciding whether or not to have another baby, counsellors who work with step families are well aware of the pressures and problems that can occur when two families take the major decision to blend their lives.
Q. So Why do Step Families Need Counselling?
A. Suzie said: “Any group of people who are in contact with each other will have arguments and disagreements from time to time, and families are not exceptions to this. When your family is a second one you might find that these arguments seem more bitter, longer and harder to resolve. You may feel that all your problems are the fault of an ex partner, yourself for not trying harder or an unruly child.”
Steps Towards a Solution
Q. Is There an Easy Answer to Dealing with Problems within Step Families?
A. Suzie added: “In a situation like this you can take some steps to make things better by exploring what is happening in yourself and in those around you, understanding why you feel and act the way you do, and by acting to make some positive changes in your responses and behaviour to bring about the arrangement you would like.”
New Skills are Needed
The variety and complexity of family life today means that new parenting skills are having to be learnt all the time. Step-parenting is one of those new skills. In this situation it's not only your feelings that have to be taken into account, but those of your partner and the children. You need your partner's support and understanding, and together you should agree guidelines on how to treat the children. Some of the areas that you should agree on are discipline, privacy (for all of you) and arrangements with the absent parent. It may take time for a child to get used to new arrangements and different ways of doing things. This is a new relationship for all of you and if you don't have children of your own, a ready-made, part-time family will be difficult to deal with until new routines are established.
Q. What are the Main Difficulties That Blended Families Can Experience?
A. Suzie said: “Part of the difficulty with a blended family is that step parents are usually expected to take on the role of a parent. That is they are expected to love, care for, discipline and provide for children who are seen as theirs which is where many of the problems start. A new partner may smoothly replace the old one in the adult’s eyes, but as far as a child is concerned a parent is your parent for life.”
@Juju - have you spoken to your hubby? If he's not responsive, what do you do? You either get on with it, or you leave or ask them to leave if it's your house. It doesn't mean the relationship has to end - but two's company and three's a crowd and all that. It sounds like it's gonna be you or her.
SianyG - 26-Apr-18 @ 3:56 PM
Last 2 months I 've had my step daughter age 24 live with us.I'm feeling alot of resentment towards her because she always runs in problems with living arrangements and being on her own.She has been diagnosed with depression & anxiety as well as suicidal thoughts but with the intent of just getting attention as a resort.She suffers with fibro and is on medications.I'm not getting along with her because I see her manipulate poeple in order to get her way. She is happy when things go her way.I'm not handling it well because our marriage is new and her dad brought her in to look after her.I feel like I'm not valued and my feelings are ignored. How do I go on with this.
Juju - 24-Apr-18 @ 11:30 PM
@MI - but why can't you have a child of your own as well?
Patsy - 5-Dec-16 @ 1:07 PM
But what if the bond is not there with the stepchild? I feel like a terrible person for wanting a family of my own, but I have a stepchild and I feel like I have to share my family. Myfear becomes my reality if my husband and I break up, it's going to be me the one with a child and my child will possibly be someone's stepchild, I never wanted that for my life or for my son's life, but I feltin love with a man who has a child and I feel like I ruined my own life, I ruined my own happiness just because I wanted only us.
MI - 4-Dec-16 @ 9:54 PM
Cappy - Your Question:
But what if your husband wants you to be involved with the nice parts of parenting but not the discipline. We live together (SD is 15) and my husband struggles even to hear feedback about his daughter's behaviour, much less support my disciplining her by having a word. His response has sometimes been 'I didn't hear it / wasn't there'. His daughter has even asked us to be more firm. My concern is that when other children come along, it will be a 2 tier household because he as yet has not acknowledged my role in the family to SD. It's 2 years we've been married and I'm seriously concerned for our future. Ironically I think he's trying to protect his daughter, but I fear damage is being caused because he's he's disregarding my role in her life but we live together. How do I help him become more confident in standing together with me, so we can demonstrate to SD a strong marriage ?
Duel parenting can be tricky and there are many parents that feel if it's my child, I should be responsible for the discipline side. Many step-parents also step back and let the natural parents take this responsibility, because it is easier. Easier because the step-child can take offence when a step-parent disciplines and likewise the natural parent may feel protective of their role as parent, especially if they have become accustomed to caring for their child alone. I can only suggest you sit down with your husband for a chat and tell him what is bothering you, also ask his own views on your role, and somewhere between you, try and find some compromise and middle ground. Please see our other articles on the subject which may help. I have included a link to: Twenty Rules for Being a Good Step-parent, here which may help.
BeingAStepParent - 2-Dec-15 @ 10:02 AM
But what if your husband wants you to be involved with the nice parts of parenting but not the discipline. We live together (SD is 15) and my husband struggles even to hear feedback about his daughter's behaviour, much less support my disciplining her by having a word. His response has sometimes been 'I didn't hear it / wasn't there'. His daughter has even asked us to be more firm.
My concern is that when other children come along, it will be a 2 tier household because he as yet has not acknowledged my role in the family to SD. It's 2 years we've been married and I'm seriously concerned for our future. Ironically I think he's trying to protect his daughter, but I fear damage is being caused because he's he's disregarding my role in her life but we live together.
How do I help him become more confident in standing together with me, so wecan demonstrate to SD a strong marriage ?