One of the most challenging situations that can arise in stepfamilies stems from differences of opinion regarding the care of a step child, but stepparents, no matter how close they are to their stepchildren, must respect the right of a natural parent to make decisions about their children’s well being. This can be easier said than done since many stepparents take on a great deal of responsibility for the everyday care for their stepchildren, but unless a natural parent is permanently out of the picture, they usually have the right to take part in decisions that affect their children.
Establishing Parameters for Stepparent Authority
When a stepparent first joins a family, they should already have had a number of important conversations with their spouse so that both are certain of the other’s expectations. Many people falsely assume that their partners share their viewpoint on important issues, but that’s not always the case. Defining the role of a stepparent before the decision is made to be one can help both spouses to iron out their differences before they have a chance to become troublesome to the happiness of the newly formed family. There are no definitive “right” and “wrong” ways of handling family issues, but it’s vital that agreements are reached that seem reasonable to everyone involved and respect each person’s viewpoint.
Teaming with Your Spouse
Disagreements with exes over matters concerning shared children can put a great deal of strain on individuals – which in turn can affect their current relationships if their new spouse isn’t understanding and supportive. While stepparents may not have any legal right to make important decisions regarding the welfare of their stepchildren, they often play an important role in the lives of those kids and have a great deal of emotion invested in their relationships.
Stepparent opinions should be given consideration, but they do not need to be voiced directly to a spouse’s ex. Instead, a stepparent is better off to offer their input to their spouse, who can then draw upon it when dealing with their ex. The bond that a parent shares with a child is a sacred one, and no matter how loving the stepparent, they must respect the fact that the child’s natural parents will always be in the position to make the final decision.
Respectful Treatment of Ex-Spouses
Ongoing battles between adults are sure to have a negative impact on the family as a whole, and can be especially troubling for the children. While ex-spouses may not be held in high esteem by their ex and that person’s new spouse (and may legitimately be undeserving of their respect), there is no need for a stepparent to be outwardly rude or unwelcoming towards their spouse’s ex. Because the couple shared a child (or children), they will remain bound to one another on some level for the rest of their lives. Even after the children have grown and gone off on their own, there may be marriages, grandchildren, and family get-togethers that require all parties to behave themselves and treat one another with respect.
Keeping Children out of Adult Disagreements
No matter how strongly a stepparent feels about their stepchildren’s other parent, the children should never be made to feel that they are being put in the middle. It is perfectly healthy and natural for a child to love both of their parents, and this bond should be encouraged and supported, unless maintaining a relationship with a parent puts a child at risk. Parents who are dangerous or unstable need to be kept away from their children, but unless such extreme circumstances apply, kids do not need to be privy to the negative feelings that the adults may have about one another.
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Blubberface, come on letlet's try at least to be the adult and bigger parent shall we? Honestly, hasnt your child sufferedb enough because of your and their fathers choices? Maybe if your child s best interest was put before your bitterness they could adjust more easily. After all, the guilt of a child and having a step parent is not only yin healthy but studies show.how they can suffer in their own adult relationships. Ask yourself this, why are you showing any kind of weakness or in security towards the stop mom/dad . That's not helping your case. Noone wants to be that mom. Separate your hard feelings, for the ex and take your child s side. Not your side your child s. Do the right thing. The bigger man walk s away . Holds your head up proud. Don't let harsh feelings from your past dip into your childs future. It's not yours to define. Step back. Stay fixed on the importance of raising a healthy child. Mentally emotionally . It's your job.as a parent to be a good one. Boo more no less. Good luck to you all
Pink - 8-Jun-18 @ 6:33 AM
H - Your Question:
What does one do when the ex wife constantly tries and wsnts to play family excluding me. Ex has no one in her life for 26 years.
Our Response:
You may have to clarify your question, but I will try to answer it as I think. If you are an ex, then your ex wife is entitled to exclude you from her life. If your children are your biological children, and your ex is stopping you from seeing them, then you have the option to take the matter to court. If your children are step-children by marriage, then you have less rights regarding access and I suggest you seek legal advice.
BeingAStepParent - 18-Jul-16 @ 12:50 PM
What does one do when the ex wife constantly tries and wsnts to play family excluding me .. Ex has no one in her life for 26 years ..
H - 17-Jul-16 @ 2:37 PM
Have to agree with KK. I'm going to add that a stepparent certainly does NOT have to make decisions based on what is best for the children; I would consider respecting her spouse's decision to choose a course of action best for the child more than sufficient. I don't believe step parents have a duty to cater to the desires of all bio parents. Step parents are not chauffeurs, housemaids, or servants of bio parents. Any choice a step parent makes to voluntarily help with the needs of the child is a choice, and volitile bio moms are doing their children a disservice by rejecting the help: n, I won't be taking your child to football practice 5 days a week instead of taking my daughter to softball 5 days a week. You can do it yourself, bio mom, if you are going to make my life a living hell for doing so. by insisting it's my job, I feel the need to exercise my autonomy and refuse. How damaging this website is, and how vindictive to write a whole website devoted to shaming your ex's new partner. I'd probably feel the same, please just stop sharing bad advice.
Liz - 26-May-16 @ 12:27 AM
Articles such as these, which position the step-parent as a fly in the ointment, are misleading and damaging to step-parents (and their families!).First, step-parents' opinions carry more weight than just a polite, "thanks for your opinion."When it comes to anything that impacts a step-parent's home, schedule, children, or lifestyle - the step-parent, as a spouse, is an EQUAL authority to the natural parent to whom he/she is married.When that parent coordinates decisions with the ex, the input is the couple's input.And the ex does not get to set limits on what the other natural parent and step-parent discuss.Second, sometimes stepmom and biomom DO choose to haveparenting communication with each other, and that's ok.A custody agreement (and the law) dictate the natural parents' parenting arrangement- this is not a "bond" with each other; it is an obligation to the child that is legally required.Stepmom can't force a relationship with biomom - and vice versa.However, biomom doesn't get to decide not to deal with stepmom on all levels.If biomom shows up to stepmom's house to drop something off for a kid, she gets to deal with stepmom.If biomom approaches dad and stepmom at a kid event, stepmom is included in the conversation.If biomom calls the house and stepmom answers - tough.Stepmom owes biomom nothing - has no skin in the game, so to speak.Not true of the biomom.Third, everyone needs to show respect, not just step-parents.Nobody should be badmouthing anyone to the kid.All of the adults need to step back and allow the other parent AND step-parent to have a relationship with the kids without intrusion.
KK - 8-Apr-16 @ 9:08 PM
Jul - Your Question:
My new partner and I jumped into a relationship, moved two hours away, and engaged with in three months. He has two girls and one adopted son from previous marriage. The adopted son is not his biological son however he has been in his life since age 2 and biological father had not been involved. Son is 19. He absolutely will not visit my fiancé , my fiancé states it is because he is busy with school and into his social life however I had seen a text that stated his son had felt like my fiancé abandoned them, moved away, and is now taking care of my two children. I understand his feelings, I've asked my fiancé to have him come to the house even when I am gone to try and keep a father son relationship and he still refuses. My fiancé continues to believe it has to do with his son's social life. Is there any way to help this relationship? Mine and his.
Our Response:
In some respects you may think the son would act in a more adult and undertsanding way at 19 and not take it so personally. Plus, you'd hope he'd also wish his adopted-father happiness rather than being resentful. This might be something you will have to let develop organically between your partner and his son when your partner realises there is an issue. You don't say whether he is aware of the text, and if not it is maybe something you should sensitively broach with your partner. In the meantime, you can continue to give the open support your partner needs, while also making attempts to encourage his son and try to get to know him on a personal basis, so he realises you and your family are not a threat. Also, surely his sisters will report back to him positively and re-assure him, if they have developed a relationship with you and his new extended family. I'm sure it will resolve itself given time and a bit of patience.
BeingAStepParent - 7-Sep-15 @ 10:59 AM
My new partner and I jumped into a relationship, moved two hours away, and engaged with in three months. He has two girls and one adopted son from previous marriage. The adopted son is not his biological son however he has been in his life since age 2 and biological father had not been involved. Son is 19. He absolutely will not visit my fiancé , my fiancé states it is because he is busy with school and into his social life however I had seen a text that stated his son had felt like my fiancé abandoned them, moved away, and is now taking care of my two children. I understand his feelings, I've asked my fiancé to have him come to the house even when I am gone to try and keep a father son relationship and he still refuses. My fiancé continues to believe it has to do with his son's social life. Is there any way to help this relationship? Mine and his.
Jul - 4-Sep-15 @ 8:14 AM
Blubberface - Your Question:
My daughter is 2. My ex partner has a new partner and I have asked both to respect my wish that I do not want the new gf involved with my child. The ex on the first weekend I've ever let him have her introduced the gf. I'm livid. Am I wrong to feel like this. I don't ever want that woman in my child's life.
Our Response:
I can only ask you how you would feel if you met someone and the father of your child had the same response and didn't want a new man in his child's life? The issue with separation is that it is likely that both parents will move on and meet new partners, therefore it is about trying to navigate around the situation. You can't expect him to stay single for the rest of his life, as likewise you won't, which means invariably your child is going to come into contact with other people in both of your lives. If you have a valid reason for not wanting his girlfriend in your child's life, then you may be able to apply for a Specific Issue Order through the courts to prevent her coming into contact with your child. However, if it is just because you have a personal dislike of her then your reasoning isn't really going to hold water. Please see article: Mum vs. Stepmum here. As specified in the article (which may not be applicable to you currently, but may be in the future) - 'even when parents and stepparents have valid reasons for disliking one another, they need to keep their feelings under control so as not to cause the children any unnecessary hardship.' I hope this helps.
BeingAStepParent - 19-Aug-15 @ 2:06 PM
My daughter is 2. My ex partner has a new partner and I have asked both to respect my wish that I do not want the new gf involved with my child. The ex on the first weekend I've ever let him have her introduced the gf. I'm livid. Am I wrong to feel like this. I don't ever want that woman in my child's life.