Parenting can be tough. Tending to the needs of children can be a never-ending endeavour and while the rewards of parenting are plentiful, they aren’t always tangible.
Stepparents often take a great deal of responsibility for their stepchildren, performing many of the same parenting tasks as natural parents, yet they may not be given equal credit for the influence that they have on the children’s lives.
Good stepparents often share deep emotional bonds with their step-kids, yet it may be the natural parents who are considered to be “important” to the kids. It’s no wonder that while most stepparents wouldn’t trade places with anyone, they may have feelings about the experience that aren’t all bluebirds and sunshine.
Loving Difficult Stepchildren
Natural parents have an endearing love for their children long before the little ones ever throw their first tantrums, but stepparents typically come into the picture a bit later, once the kids have established a wide range of personality traits. Anyone who has ever spent time with children understands that they aren’t always cheerful, pleasant, and cooperative, and while babies may be known for their sweet smiles and equally sweet powdery aromas, there are plenty of times when they are fussy and don’t smell that great.
Kids are people, each unique and special, yet like all people, they have their moods. Often, they are funny and delightful, but sometimes, they can be obstinate enough to test the patience of even the gentlest of parents. Stepparents (and parents, too) may feel guilty when they find themselves wishing for a break or wondering how they got themselves into this position, but by taking a step back and realising that all parents feel overwhelmed at times, stepparents can accept their negative feelings about the children as well as they accept their loving ones.
Taking Time to Develop Relationships with Stepchildren
Many stepparents expect to fall instantly in love with their partner’s children and then are disappointed when they don’t feel an immediate connection. Relationships take time to develop, though, so stepparents should give themselves time to get to know each of their stepchildren and allow the bond to grow naturally. In all likelihood, the children will also need time to adjust and accept the stepparent, so there’s no need to rush things or feel bad when love doesn’t come automatically.
Dealing with Family Conflicts
All families have some level of conflict, at least once in a while. Stepfamilies may have more than their fair share, especially when problems with exes seem impossible to overcome.
Ideally, when a couple breaks up, each partner would be emotionally ready to let go of the past and refocus their attention on creating a happy future, but that is not always the case. The end of romantic partnerships often cause hurt feelings, anger, and extreme disappointment, leaving one or both of the people with unresolved emotions.
Stepparents may find themselves in the unenviable position of being the brunt of the angry feelings held by their partner’s ex, who may resent the new romantic relationship as well as being uncomfortable with an ‘outsider’ taking on a parental role with their kids. Unfortunately, there is little that anyone can do to control other people’s behaviour, so while it is important to try and make peace, stepparents should forgive themselves if they find that they just can’t seem to like or respect their spouse’s ex.
The Importance of Accepting One’s Feelings
Everyone experiences a wide range of emotions, not all of which are pleasant. It is the rare person who skates through life without occasional bouts of anxiety, sadness, regret, or self-doubt, but these feelings are perfectly normal and need to be both expected and accepted.
Stepparents may anticipate that they will have nothing but positive feelings about their spouses and stepchildren, but that is not how it usually works. Real life has its ups and downs, and parenting, while rich with joy and pleasure, can also be demanding and exhausting. Stepparents who are doing their best to raise happy kids should give themselves a pat on the back, rather than feeling guilty when they occasionally feel less than grateful for their blessings.
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