Having Realistic Expectations

Most people enter into their marriages with high hopes, which is a good thing, but there is a big difference between healthy optimism and unrealistic expectations.

For those who marry someone who has children, visions of blending seamlessly into a warm and loving family may be the dream and while that is certainly an honourable goal, real life isn’t always quite so neat and tidy.

Winning the Hearts of Stepchildren

It doesn’t seem unreasonable to think that if you love someone, you’ll likely love their children, too. The problem is that kids don’t always welcome a new stepparent into their lives quickly or willingly; some need quite a bit of time to develop affectionate feelings for their parent’s partner. Because the children may express hesitancy to accept a stepparent, it can be hard for the two generations to bond in the beginning. As long as stepparents are patient and are willing to continue making the effort to build relationships with their step-kids, though, they are likely to be successful; they just can’t expect too much too soon.

Roses, Romance, and Reality

Newlyweds have oodles of time to spend sharing candlelit dinners and taking romantic evening strolls, or at least, those who do not have children at home might. Stepparents often spend the evenings of the first year of their marriages attending school events and reading bedtime stories, and though these activities are enjoyable, they aren’t necessarily the stuff they make movies about.

Ideally, all couples would go into their marriages with realistic expectations, but it can be especially important for those who are taking on the roles of spouse and parent at the same time, so that they can avoid feeling letdown later. For those who take on the role of stepparent without ever having had children of their own, the realities of parenting can be quite different from what might have been anticipated.

It helps a great deal if a stepparent has been given ample time to get to know the children before saying their vows, allowing both generations to grow comfortable with one another and establish a good rapport. The disappointment that can result from realising that reality doesn’t meet expectations can be minimised with a little forethought.

Happily Ever After

Everyone wants the fairytale ending, with happy people walking hand in hand into the sunset, and the reality of a happy stepfamily can be had. Couples need to communicate their needs clearly and listen when others offer their input, deal respectfully with the children and other family members, and above all, remember that with effort, any issues that come up can be handled in such a way as to bring people closer, rather than divide them.

Everyone has hopes for themselves and their families, but since no one can predict with certainty what the future will hold, it’s wise to keep an open mind and have a willingness to rewrite plans as we go along. Part of the pleasure of living comes from considering the possibilities, but even greater joy is had by letting go of our expectations and simply enjoying the ride.