Why teenage stepchildren can be harder to connect with
Teenagers are often difficult to live with, even for their own parents. Add a stepparent into the mix and things can become more complicated still.
Adolescents are working out who they are. They push boundaries, question authority and test the adults around them. This is normal development, but it can feel personal when you are the stepparent on the receiving end.
A teenager may struggle to accept a stepparent's role in the household. They might remember life before you arrived, feel loyalty to their other parent, or simply resent having another adult telling them what to do. None of this means you have failed. It means you are dealing with a teenager who is also dealing with a blended family, which is a lot for anyone.
The good news is that patience and consistency tend to pay off over time. Most stepparents find that their relationship with teenage stepchildren improves as everyone adjusts, though this can take months or even years.
Setting house rules together
Teenagers still need boundaries, even when they act as though they do not. Clear rules help everyone in the household know where they stand.
Many families find it helps for the adults to agree on house rules together, away from the children. This can prevent teenagers from playing one parent against the other, which they will often try to do. Rules tend to work best when both adults present a united front, though every family will find their own approach.
Keep the rules reasonable and focus on the things that matter most:
- Respect for everyone in the household
- Agreed times for meals, homework and being home
- Expectations around chores and shared spaces
- How devices and screen time will be managed
Where possible, the biological parent should take the lead in enforcing rules, at least in the early years of a blended family. This can feel frustrating for stepparents, but teenagers often respond better when their own parent delivers the message. Over time, as trust builds, stepparents can take on more of this role naturally.
Consistent boundaries often matter more than strict ones. A teenager who knows what to expect, even if they complain about it, usually feels more secure than one living with unpredictable responses.
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
Building respect without forcing it
You cannot demand that a teenager respects you. Respect tends to develop gradually, through small daily interactions rather than grand gestures.
Try to find low pressure ways to connect. This might mean watching a programme they like, asking about their interests without interrogating them, or simply being reliably present without expecting much in return. Teenagers often notice effort even when they do not acknowledge it.
Avoid competing with the other biological parent. A teenager may compare you unfavourably or remind you that you are not their real parent. This can sting, but rising to it rarely helps. Saying less in the moment and returning to the conversation later, if needed, often leads to better outcomes than reacting immediately.
Pick your battles carefully. Not every eye roll or muttered comment needs a response. Save your energy for the things that genuinely matter, such as safety, respect and household harmony.
If a teenager is openly hostile or refuses to engage at all, it may help to step back and let the biological parent handle most interactions for a while. This is not giving up. It is recognising that some relationships need more time.
It is also worth knowing that stepparents do not automatically have parental responsibility in the UK. This can affect decisions about schooling, medical treatment and other matters. If this is relevant to your situation, it may be worth seeking legal advice.
Getting support when things are difficult
Blended families can bring real rewards, but they can also be hard work. If you are struggling, you are not alone.
Family Lives offers a free helpline and online support for parents dealing with all kinds of challenges, including stepfamily issues. Their number is 0808 800 2222. Relate also provides counselling for families and couples adjusting to life in a blended household, though their services typically involve a fee or suggested donation. Gingerbread offers support specifically for single parent families and those in blended households.
Some stepparents find it helpful to join online forums or local support groups where they can talk to others in similar situations. Hearing that other people face the same frustrations can make a real difference.
If a teenager's behaviour is seriously affecting family life, or if you are worried about their mental health, speak to your GP. They can refer you to local services such as Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services if needed, though waiting times and eligibility criteria vary significantly between areas.
Stepparenting a teenager takes time, resilience and a fair amount of patience with yourself as well as with them. Progress may be slow, but small improvements add up.
When her behaviour is challenged she presents with physical signs of anxiety, however when she is on her PC she portraits herself as this totally different character.
She takes no responsibility for her actions; she left the hob on the other evening after cooking herself some food. it was discovered as i was preparing for work the following morning.
My question is how to i have an honest conversation with her about this and the impact it is having.
It is only through talking with friends, reading books and, sites like these, I have come to realize what a common issue this is. I have even told him, he doesn’t have to have a relationship with her but, he will be respectful. He still refuses to meet in the middle. Mind you, his other parent lives in the center of town and he has much more freedom at her house than at ours.
I try to take everyday, a little at a time and do my best to support my children and my partner. All the while, trying to maintain my own emotional state...I feel like I’m living a nightmare without any chance of escape.
Hang in there girl, someday, it will get easier. I just remind myself, if I am treating my child with respect and support his feelings, I am being the best mother I can. Hoping, in time, he will realize that he doesn’t get to dictate the circumstances of my life. My heart feels like it is broken into a million pieces but, I remind myself, it won’t be like this forever. There is not nice way of putting it except, TEENAGERS SUCK!
That being said I was the stay at home mom. My son lives with us all the time. Our 2 girls stay with us 51% of the time. I have made lunches, gone to almost every school event , sat through hours of ice skating and drama club shows and my husband has done the same (and then some) for my son. Things have always been sort of challenging but nothing crazy. I always worry and try to make everything equal. From the ant of presents at Xmas to Easter baskets. I had a very strong bond with my eldest daughter and she had always just been ... easy. My son is pretty much the same with my husband. Some bumps in Jr High but nothing out of hand.
Now my 13 yr old step daughter has gotten caught breaking into a church and had been posting crazy things on social media. Including day drinking and much much more. I have even encouraged and invited my husband ex over so that we could all get on the same page especially my husband and his ex with what do to for our daughter. We even had a discussion abt how she is going to try and use me as the excuse to not come to our nice home and that I’m this horrible person. It is if a switch has flipped in her and it is tearing my family and marriage apart. She is lying. She has started yelling at me and even facing off with me a 1am trying to take “our” (but my) dog away. I have not do I want any control over what she is allowed to do but she just all of a sudden hates me. She sent me a text from her sister’s phone saying I’m the most toxic person in her life. This is my little girl that every year we cut down our Xmas tree, that I have taken to pet puppies and shopping. Now she just wants to use me as the excuse to stay by her moms where she can get away with everything and I am heartbroken. She says she never wants to see me again or my son. Her stepbrother , who has been so sweet to her trying to make her happy here. My husband is trying to balance his ex not doing the rules, his daughter being crazy and me being upset. I don’t know if we can weather this and I’m actually afraid of her. Not that she would hurt me but if the lies. There is so much more but I feel Bad for my son. He feels hurt and revered and doesn’t understand why she wants to hurt him.
I just feel alone. I feel alone and scared for my little girl who I live so much .
The harder I try to help and make things right worse things seem to get .i hate that I feel like a failure when I feel like I be worked so hard to make things nice , even at time sacrificing my own sons needs so that the girls are happy.
When his daughter was about 13, her biological mother suddenly wanted to see her but it was only once every 6 months kind of thing. After more than 8 years of no interest and now barely any, our daughter started showing more interest in this person who pretty much abandoned her. Now our daughter is 16 and sees her biological mother every few months. I show support in front of our daughter and do not say anything negative about her 'mother' but the attention she so strives for hurts me more than anything.
I am the one with her every day for years, helping her through school, when shes sick, taking her to appointments, shopping for anything and everything, the list goes on and on, just like any good parent, but our daughter shows so much love and attention to this "mother", for what? I guess, there are no real answers, its natural in most ways but it doesn't stop it from hurting. I don't have a child of my own, I think of her as my own. Of course there is some jealous mixed in because I want the love that this other person is getting who doesn't deserve it.
My husband doesn't understand so its hard to express what I am going through to him. I am writing because I have no one that understands or is going through what I am and it seems this place it somewhere people maybe can relate.
that's all, thanks for 'listening'.
I am 29 and my girlfriend is 39, she has a son and a daughter, now her son is 14 and her daughter is 8, we have a son together and my son is 7 months, the real dad leaves 5 mins away from our house and i have been noticing the 14 year old attitude has started changing, with his baby brother he talks rude to the brother and says it as a joke to him that why does his breath smell when he is only a baby, i have noticed the 14 year old has started talking back to his mum and i feel like he is trying to take over as in been a man of the house, he does some things that is very stupid sometimes example we had a broken ironing board leg by our storage room and he started playing with it and dropped it downstairs. i then said to him really did he have to drop that and why is he holding it in the first place he then answered back to me with why can't i hold it which was a very stupid answer, i even had a big argument with the mum the other day who is my girlfriend and said i have to be calm, i do not put my fingers on the kids i tell them off and i feel like i cant be the man of the house due to this child. i just don't know what to do anymore, there are times the daughter is annoying but i can deal with her but the son i just don't know anymore.
He has a very sensitive, depressed,16 yr old son who has been through so much. His mother left them when he was approx 8 yrs old; and he has cried like a baby every time she has to leave after a visit. She left him with his dad out of guilt. She took her 2 older sons with her, from a different father.
My son then dated and married a narcissist 4 years ago, who clearly has never been able to treat his son (my grandson) with love or respect. She clearly favored her younger daughter over him, even though my son treated the children the same. She was unfair & hateful, in every way possible, to put it lightly. My son was easily convinced by her that the son was in the wrong, not her. And that she was only trying to “make him stronger”. She admittedly doesn’t like children, barely even her own, and BOTH of their bedtimes was still 8 pm! (Even at 10 & 14 years old!). My clueless son was in love and didn’t want to fail at a 2nd marriage. We found out too late, around 2-3 years ago, that my grandson was cutting...both arms all the way up and down. They tried counseling...she went one time & refused to go back. My workoholic son took his son anyway, but only around once a month. I don’t think they even go anymore
The hatred grew between the evil step mother & my precious grandson, until finally 1–1/2 yrs ago after returning home after the summer with his mother in a different state; she started verbally bullying as usual, and for the 1st time ever he broke loose and screamed all the hateful things he had ever wanted to say for the past 5 years. I should make it clear that he never had never talked back before, out of fear. He lost cell privileges all the time for things like not eating all his vegetables, or leaving the bedroom light on.
She decided he was a danger to her daughter and kicked my son and grandson out of “their home” in to an apartment! They’ve lived there for going on 2 years; my grandson is basically raising himself, as my son spends all his spare time with her, working on her home improvements, and spending the couple nights a week with her, that he doesn’t have to work at his 2nd shift job. There is no one home to drop my grandson off at a friends house, or work or school when needed. He can’t get his license because no one is there to help him get his driving hours in. I could go on and on. My son refuses to talk about any of it... she has him convinced that WE are the narcissists who just want to control his life. Grandson wants to go live with his mom, who has no money or even a house. She lives in a crowded house with her girlfriend. My son is trying to make everyone happy, but clearly doesn’t understand why his son does not feel loved. I’m so sorry to go on & on. Is there any hope? Or help?
He was in another relationship following the divirce for about a year then he and I started dating. We dated for about a year then began sharing a home together. We have been married for 2 yrs. When they divorced his ex convinced him that it would be better for the kids if she took them and moved to her home state to be near her parents/family. He is a very non-confrontational, gentle person so he agreed. They were 6 and 10 at the time. His son is now 13 and his daughter is 17. We live in VA, they live in AZ. Like I said, he is a very kind, gentle, mild natured, responsible man. He has always paid child support on time or early and all other expenses as the court ruled, as well as paying the full cost of school trips, health ins., cell phones and bill, etc. His ex placed a restriction on his visitation that he could not bring me to meet them unless we were married. We visit about 4 times a year, and most of the summer. She also placed a restriction that he is not allowed in their home or any of her family members home. She will not allow me to contact her at all and will not allow any contact with the children unless it is through her. His daughter wants nothing to do with him at all despite the many letters, cards, emails he's sent over the years, and attempts at trying to talk to her. His son (Joey) is very rude, inconsiderate, and disrespectful, to both of us. Joey has had some social, behavioral, emotional issues, ADHD, and I believe Asberger's to some degree. We can't confirm anything regarding the kids health because their Mom will not share it with us. A few years ago he made up (or dreamed) I don't know, a story that I was there when he was born and I'm the reason his parents are divorced. Which of course is untrue. The troubling thing about this is two fold - He believes that I told him this, and he told this to his Mom and sister. My husband asks me to ignore Joey's behavior, that he will grow out of it, but it's unacceptable to me, and I believe it's doing a disservice to Joey as well. I fear for both children's future ability to have relationships outside their Mom's bubble. The kids went to a therapist for a while and we met with her as well - one time - her response at the end of the meeting was basically "you're just going to have to deal with things the way they are until they decide to let you in". I wish we could all go together to try to work through things, for the kids sake, but they don't want to and neither does she. It's all very stressful on us and I'm at a loss.
Today was the last straw for me. I have tried to be a good stepmom. I heard him yelling at the tv saying he was going to cut the throats of the referees and he would kill them if he was at the game. I came in the room where he and my husband were sitting. I said to him he shouldn't say that. That it's not good to say things like that and he shouldn't get that angry over a game. I left the room and he started yelling saying to my husband he was going to let me have it and tell me what he really thinks of me. My husband just fusses at him and tells him not to say that . There is never a true punishment for the way he talks. I can't take it any more. I just want to cry.
Me and my partner have roughly been together 3 years with only one break up lasting around 2-3 months. We have an 11 year age gap. I'm 21. I have no children at all and aren't really interested Arte moment of having my own but however my partner has 6 kids that's right I'm a step mum of 6. Not to meantion 5 girls and only 1 boy.
I'm going crazy and sending my self insane trying to figure out why his three older girls will not listen to me are constantly being rude, lazy and disrespectful ages being 13,12 and 10.
I have been labeled the "evil step mother" from all his family and even friends of the kids have made comments such as " is that her?" I honestly don't think I'm that bad but like ok yeah I probably can be because I do get frustrated after constently repeating my self ( I do have bi polar and no patience at all ) so I do get quite heated and yell. I'm not asking them to do much or anything like just the normal put clothes in the laundry is homework done put your clothes away make your beds and tidy your rooms, like honestly theses things aren't going to kill them but when constently asked I cope answers such as: I don't have to listen to you.
It's not my responsibility.
I shouldn't have to do that.
Why can't you just leave me alone.
Just stupid things like these but as soon as they ask for something like to buy something or for me to do something or help I do it straight away but what ever I ask of them I always come back chatting or they roll there eyes and look away from me. I love them all the pieces but I'm finding my self being more and more frustrated at them lately. How do we get past this am I doing wrong?
I really need HELP. Any suggestions would be amazing guys. This is for my sanity. Please.
I' m a mother of four all together. Two adult children 28 and 24,now out of the home. These two are my children from another marriage. They were 16 and 12 when I married my husband and he had a four year old daughter..who is about to make 17 years old. She seemed to care about me when she was young. My husband has always had custody of her therefore she has lived with us. I really love her although I have come to not like her as much.. She is passive aggressive and she tries to communicate with me as little as possible. Over the past three to four years her mother, who has alway had every other week visitation began to speak to us and I mean literally speak to us and over the past year has begun to take over our weekend of visitation by scheduling her in all kinds of events that will look good on a college resume.. Our daughter some times tells our ten year old negative things about me.. but is dry and half-way ignores me unless she wants something from me.. a ride or permission to go with her mother somewhere. Yet she tries to say things to divide her father and I, when she thinks it will cause an argument. I recently brought her an shirt back from a trip and she told our daughter how much she liked it but never even thanked me for it or acknowledged it. So after three days of it sitting in her room... I took it back. I probably shouldn't. She will come to dinner and won't give thanks for the meal although it's obvious she is enjoying it. I seldom hear she said anything positive towards me. What can I do to get some kind of rapport with her before next year ends when she goes off to school. I am tired of the silent battle!
So, the culminates in the daughter having nothing to do with her father. The few times she interacts with him she yells at him, hangs up the phone on him, swears at him and sides with her mother in completely blocking him from finding out if/when she ever has counseling, who prescribed anti-depressants for her, if she will ever get to the dentist etc..
I've given some advice. I've actually tried to get along with the kid. I took the family to Seattle before Christmas and of course the kids were rude to everyone. I threw a 14th birthday party for the son and that was mostly successful with his cousins, but of course the daughter was a rude nightmare who complained until she got a early ride home.
My husband is a pretty passive guy and doesn't want to have the kids 'hate him.' Sigh. I love him, but he is a pushover. I finally convinced him to enroll his son in high school and got all the meetings with the school set up. I've also managed to get him to study to be able to at least keep up with the basic classes.
But what to do about the daughter? She is 16 on strong anti-depressants, friends with who knows online (who she is convinced she will be meeting up with in Portland in a couple weeks), teeth are disgusting and she refuses to speak with her father for about a month now. I know people keep saying you should love your step-kids. I don't. I don't even like them in the least. The son I do my best to be as nice as possible with. The daughter I haven't seen in 5 months since her fit at the birthday. There are no amount of 'house rules' that could help this situation. Honestly I'm at the point where I just support my husband when he works with CPS and write off any involvement with the daughter.
And yes, we are expecting our f
Since we moved in together it's been a roller coaster. They've gone through and stolen stuff from me and my kids, lied often, throw temper tantrums (yes, they're teenagers doing this) when things don't go their way, and manipulate their dad. They only want something to do with me when it benefits them, otherwise they complain about me to certain family members, in effort to gain hatred towards me. I had no illusions that things would be easy. But it seems like they're purposely trying to drive us apart, while gaining supporters in the effort. I'm at my wits end. I've been there in so many ways, and stepped up when their bio-mom bailed out of their lives completely. Still, I'm the evil step monster. My BF seems to think, I should blow off their disrespectful attitude, and let it go. But I'm frustrated with it all. The worse part is, the adults they complain to, indulge this bad behavior and seemingly validate it. It makes me question my ability to parent or even be a good person when all I hear on a regular basis is how this one says this, and that one says this, and I'm to blame for everything. I understand that they're processing their own feelings about life, but why do I feel alone in thinking someone needs to put things in perspective with these girls?
We have raised one of his boys since he was 10. He's now 21 and out of the house.
We are now raising his youngest son. He's 16.
The first son wanted to leave his mom with good reason.
This one didn't want to leave but, it became an environment that he could no longer live in due to his stepfather.
Police were called it was a horrible mess.
Anyway now we have a resentful 16 year old.
I never talk about his mom or her husband.
It's a constant struggle for me with him. If I say anything it causes conflict.
Let me say that his brothers egg him on at times.
His dad works 7 days a week from 3:30am to 7:00pm.
We have a family owned business.
The boys all work there. So, dad gets the good times and a share of the bad.
But, I just get the bad because, I'm the rule setter.
I feel like I'm at a constant stand off with this child. His mother is only in his life due to cell phone access. It's her choice.
With him I find he will do things that he knows are wrong and bother me but, does them anyway.
The last issue just blew up last night.
A few weeks back I was on bed rest.
At 4:30pm he comes to me and says "I have a hair cut@ 5pm"
I was on the phone with my Dr.
So I tell him that I'll text his sister and get her to come home and take him. I do that no problem
Well, then my husband calls me (not nice at all) wanting to know why no one can take him for a hair cut.
Well, I try to explain that it was handled and the phone cuts off. (Bad cell service)
Anyway this turns into a monster! I'm called ugly names by his sons.
I confront one of them and come to find out it was this son that was suppose to take him for a hair cut.
Anyway... I just shut down!!
Am I crazy to think I deserve respect in this one?
I kept to myself not talking about it. And not really talking to the 16 year old.
I feel like he had to call his brother and tell him that I wasn't going to take him. Remember I was on bed rest.
And that carried over to my husband.
Causing problems in the house.
Well, last night I had enough. My husband and I tried to talk to him. And all we got was a blank stare.
So I text him this morning to try and once again talk about it.
Well, it didn't go like that.
It was more like....this is your problem not mine. And I have a mother and I don't need you thing.
So, am I wrong here...? Is this a lack of respect for me?
And what should I do about the little things that he does all of the time?
I don't want this to destroy my marriage. Which I know can happen fast.
I don't think that he wants to be here at all and I taking it out on me.
My husband doesn't see it. But, other family members do.
My finance and I have been together for about 4 years and live together for about two years. I have a 10 years old son who is very caring and always happy and in the mood. My finance has two kids; daughter 22 years old and on her own and 16 who lives with us half time. My finance and I are both very positive people, different and even though we are from different culture but I can say that we are happy. My step-kids are having a hard time to accept me or anybody in their dad's life. The son doesn't say hi to me, doesn't talk to me, doesn't even look me in the eye and he is getting more rude about with his behavior towards me. I have talked to him many times with kindness and try to understand why he is doing this and I want best for me and I want us to be able to communicate. Tried to buy him what he likes, do something for him, cook what he likes and anything you can imagine but none didn't work. Both kids have definitely communication problem. They don't have best friends or even any. Everything is about them and they don't feel to do anything for anyone not just me. My step son and his attitude is affecting our relation ship and basically is making us so sad and down when he is there or not. I am worried about him and told my fiance many times about his son's behavior but all he does talking to him and like it never happened 2 minutes after. There is ever action towards his behavior. Now he is being more and more rude and out of control . He basically started to do the same to his dad. I told him if your way doesn't work he is going to do the same to you too and there we go.
My fiance and I love each other but the issue with his kids is getting out of control. I have no peace in my own house and no control over any change.
Please advise.
Thanks
My Wife leaves it up to me to fix it but I feel like we are in this together. He's so concerned about what every one doing then if he has to it in finds fault in everyone else instead of himself.Do you have ideas? He's 16 going on 17 but he has nothing going for himself nor he listens to either of us about his life. He's a good kid just dam lazy..
On Sunday afternoon when we get a bunch of messages from mom and stepdad saying that they are done dealing with this and that things aren't working at their house and that stepson has been bullying little brother and that he can no longer live with them. All this over lying and going on an ipad! He isn't into drugs, drinking, or running away anything, and he is only 13, going on 14!
Now the mom and stepdad are bullying us and trying to guilt us into taking him full time! They made a number of belittling comments to my husband and seem to be taking out their frustrations on him. One of their arguments for us taking him is that they need to look after their youngest child who is 8, and that the 8 year old prefers not to have stepchild live there. Sibling bickering and rivalry happens in all families, you don't just give up on one child or put him up for adoption because siblings aren't getting along! Try positive reinforcement, try family counseling. They can't just dump him on our doorstep any time they are mad at him. It was really damaging to his emotional health last time he came to live with us because the decision was made hastily and out of anger, not truly considering what is best for the child. They also need to realize that mistakes and poor choices are an inevitable part of being a teen and they need to work with him on learning opportunities instead of taking even the slightest act of disobedience as a personal insult. Who are the adults here?
I am honestly disgusted with his mother and stepfather. I also don't want them to think that we are just an easy target to dump their difficulties on. My stepson wants to live with his mother, the only time he has shown any interest in living with us has been on 2 occasions in 14 years and only when he is fighting with his step dad. My husband agrees with this too but also wants to be the hero, and would love to have his son full time.
I am open to him living with us but it isn't my first choice, as I think it would just wind up in a repeat of what happened last time, and emotionally I'm not sure such a drastic change will be healthy for him. Although, it also doesn't sound like his mom and step dad are dealing with things in a healthy way either.
I want what is best for him however, he or his mom and step dad can't use us as the escape house when he is in trouble or things aren't going well.
What do I do? What rights do we have? How do we handle this with my stepsons best interests in mind?
We have always had him every other weekend and usually a few weeks in the summer. Last year he had a big fight with his step Dad and told his mom and stepdad that he wanted to move in with us. They were so angered by this that they basically dumped him on our doorstep. We were left scrambling trying to sort out bussing and summer child care/ camp. In the entire time he was with us (about 5 months) his own mother only saw him twice. A number of times, she cancelled her get together with him and left him feeling emotionally abandoned and he cried almost weekly about this.
We live in the city and because he came to live with us we had to switch his school to our district. His mother finally allowed her son to come visit for the weekend (first time in 5 months) on the weekend before his first week in his new school. They expressed to each other how much they had missed each other and she said he could move home if he wanted. That week he told us what happened and that he was really sorry but he just really missed his mom and his step brother and his home there and wanted to move back. We were completely supportive and told him we are sad but we love him no matter what and that if this is what he really wants then we will be ok with it. In reality my husband was emotionally crushed!
After his mother told him he could move home, we were swept into a text message war with his mother and step father because they were now rescinding what they had said to him. I think the step father didn't want him to move home. They then were refusing to have him back. Meanwhile, my stepson has no idea and is under the impression that he is moving home because his mom said so. We had to tell his mom and step dad that if they don't want him back we will keep him but they need to be the ones to tell him face to face why they changed their minds and no longer want him. Unbelievable! They of course ended up taking him back with a number of conditions and caveats. We were out the money for registering him in school and busing in the city.
Fast Forward a few months, Step son is diagnosed with ADHD, and LD in verbal communication, and low IQ. :( Mother and step father try 2 counseling sessions for him and put him on ADHD medication.
As far as we can tell his grades are improving, he has joined sports and extra circular activities and things are going well.
ONE YEAR LATER, same time of year, all of a sudden he calls us crying to pick him up because he got into a fight with his step dad. Turns out he has been lying and sneaking onto the younger brothers ipad so he can talk to his friends and lied about going to the store, when really he was meeting his friends there. He was grounded. One week later he is caught on younger brothers ipad again. Huge fight breaks out between him and step dad. this is when w
My husband has a 14 year old from a previous relationship.
We used to get regular visits up until about 7 years ago.
The mother was between relationships and moved and we lost contact.
Recently my step daughter has been in touch asking to come live with us.
I never felt close to her and didn't really look forward to weekend visits
She has been running away and not coming home and police have been involved and social services are also involved.
I'm feeling extremely apprehensive about the whole thing because I don't know how to handle this situations an worry about my two children.
I want to support my husband in any decision but I can't help but get upset and worry that it will only cause endless arguments between me and my husband and resentment towRds my step daughter
Please any advice greatly appreciated
We split but got back together and I have been married now for 5-6 years I can't remember? Anyway its been superb but the 'one off night of just sex' still rears its ugly head every now and again. I don't trust her but never stand in her way when she's going out etc.
Recently we have had an issue with our SD dating a boy of 18 who she met online through Facebook, its her 5th boyfriend in 2 years and they all seem to get their way and leave. This boy knows nothing about any of us, he's just wandered into my house straight upstairs all afternoon, so I think he's shy but clearly he isn't as the next 2-3 times he is here they spend slopping all over each other on my settee while the kids sit watching TV and we try eat or have some sort of family privacy. Then they have spent 2-3 hours in her bedroom until 11:30pm nearer 12 once and I had just had it so I pulled her mum and told her it seemed wrong, why can't they go out and build a friendship instead of relying on their cyber knowledge? I was shocked that my wife totally went off claiming I was just ruining her life because I disliked her. Called me a moaner who 'did her head in' its quite hurtful and I feel like a total failure... after a week and talking basically nonsense we now are facing divorce and she has written on social media how much she hates me and how much she wishes her mum would leave me etc.
I then get a call saying she's in some bother with one of these ex's who ironically has been in jail for small time offences, stealing and robbing a house? I had to see for myself and did the wrong thing by checking her messages, she has been having nights in hotels, her language is appalling using the F & C words like a brainless violent gangster! Between them they have shared little snips of their dissaproval of me being strict but trust me I'm no hitler. Should I just leave them to it and abandon my kids, these two are clearly not happy and my wife says she doesn't want me to go but also says "I don't see anything else can be done" maybe we should have a break etc.
I hate being alive today and if it weren't for my beautiful girls of 9 and 17 along with my little knight in shining armour I'd be swinging by now. I have no idea what to do and wonder if all this mayhem can be unwound? I have been angry and had some outbursts with my wife, in fact I have nearly hit out at
I've tried speaking to him about it and he keeps telling me that she's damaged due to her unfortunate upbringing which is why she needs all extra the love and attention. I don't disagree with him, I just always thought if we took her on we'd be doing it together. I have to admit it doesn't feel right having such a sideline role in my own life, but I dont know how to change it
I met their father when they were 3 & 4 The oldest one has always been abit frosty towards me, the youngest abit closer to me. I have always treated them as if I am their older friend, a big sister, someone they feel they can talk to and trust but definitely someone who looks out for them and cares about them. I reason they already have a mother and i would not feel comfortable being called 'step mum'....but maybe thats more about not stepping on their mothers toes?! Their mother does not like the fact another women is having an influence on her children albeit a positive one,...and as a result the girls feel torn with loyalty particularly the youngest one. The oldest one doesn't like sharing her father, and can be jealous and sullen with me at the best of times. The youngest says that everything is reported back to her mum by the oldest, if the youngest is having a chat with me about something, her sister is quickly on the phone texting mum and telling her. Their Dad has spoken to them about all of this, they will tell him they like me,...their actions and snide looks however (never in front of their father) tell another story sadly,...unfortunately their Mother has a huge part to play in this. Their mother, who ended the marriage, who had an affair, and fell pregnant caused a lot of problems when she found out my partner was moving on and had met someone ( Me) she had been fine before then but, got really nasty, sending me nasty texts and stopped my Partner seeing his children for a while, seriously throwing her toys out the pram But yet I'm treated like the badie.... Go figure ?!
The ex-wife, although extremely qualified, doesn't work. It was her choice to divorce and the children live with her and her partner. She's constantly in the background, either asking for money, texting or asking him to 'phone her. I know she will always be there as she is the mother of his children but it grates. I know she has to contact him about the kids but to text and just ask how he is?? Why??
The children live over 1000 miles away. I've met them and they are truly great. However, the oldest 2 have never held down permanent jobs and don't see this as a problem as Dad bails them out each month (as well as paying his normal alimony & a payment to the ex-wife.
NOW - my partner is buying the children a house. I can't get my head around this. I have worked since I was 16 and have never asked for or been given anything. This may just be a touch of the green-eyed monster as no one has ever given me anything like this. I can't question it as it's not up to me what my partner buys for them. Also, my partner says we can use this as a holiday home when we visit them (so am I being unfair here?).
The trouble is, I don't earn anywhere near as much as my partner. We visit the children whenever we can but it's getting expensive and I don't know how long I can keep 'popping abroad' to visit them. My partner misses his children greatly and we have to take opportunities when we can to visit them. The cost though, is extortionate, due to where they live. My savings have gone and I constantly worry that if anything were to happen to my partner, I'd be left with nothing.
The youngest is coming over for a holiday and (obviously) wants to visit lots of places in the UK. I can't afford this. I've explained to my partner that they should go out out together without me and it will mean more to have time to themselves.
It means that we don't get a holiday together either. We visit the children abroad and will be taking the children out when they come over here. I can't then afford a separate holiday for me and my partner. I know this isn't the end of the world but I still resent it.
The youngest is also planning to study in the UK and (I assume) live with us for 5 years. I don't know how I feel about this. I've not been asked for my opinion, it's assumed that I'll be fine with it.
I'm not fine with it. The children are great but they're not mine. I know I need to talk to my partner but he's so excited that the youngest will be living with us, he hasn't considered that I might not want this.
My partner also earns nowhere near what he did years ago. I think the children think he's 'rolling in it'. He's not. He's got credit cards and we live in a rented house.
I didn't fully appreciate what my partner having children would mean when I went
My husband lets me run the house, and will always back up my decision, even if he thinks its over the top. Because we have to be a united force.
Respect is two way. If you are not getting respect then it should be addresses. Talk to your partner when the kids are not around. Get him to agree with what is acceptable and what is not. Agree consequences then sit the teenager down and together discuss how it is going to be. Be aware, that you will need to do most of the talking, as dads dont verbalise very well. Just make sure he agrees with what your'e saying. Then if bad behaviour arrises, after a cooling off period, let the father enforce the consequence.
Even with all my experience with teenagers, I still have problems. Teenager are teenager, whether yours or someone else's.
I have two children, both girls one aged 15 the other 9 years of age. The problem i am faced with is how my partner and her get along. For most of the time, they seem ok with each other, however whenever she steps out of line i become embroiled in a triangle. I have the attitude that I deal with the problem, explain what she has done wrong, then its over. My partner however, hates the way she speaks to me and then i have to deal with anther issue. This results in a horrendous atmosphere in the house with me walking on egg shells. My partner feels that he is excluded from me and my two daughters because i dont join in with the silent treatment that he dishes out to her. This then builds into a crescendo and results with him and i at logger heads. He just cant see that he is placing me in an impossible situation.
Has anyone else had experience of this and if so, how do you handle it?
Thanks
They chose to live with us when their mother moved away to be nearer her then boyfriend.The eldest is now 21 and away at university her brother is now 17 and still lives with us. My husband works away a lot so it's been pretty much my job to bring them up. They see their mother every few weeks when she mainly takes them out, spends money on them and sends them back with a load of washing for me to do. I've tried really hard to keep the peace by saying nothing when I think my husband should discipline them. They are both generally good kids but are so lazy around the house as is my husband. We've been married for 12 years and since they came to live with us, I've been made to feel more and more like a servant. If I ever try to speak to my husband about how I feel, it just causes a huge row. Sometimes I just feel like walking away. Any ideas please on how I can stop being treated like slave?
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