Stepmothers are usually not in an enviable position; they may be expected to shoulder a great deal of the parental responsibilities without getting much of the credit. Still, most stepmothers wouldn’t trade places with anyone, realising that while parenthood is often a thankless endeavour, it has its own special rewards.
Prioritising Family
Good stepmothers understand the importance of making family a priority and do all that they can to support their spouses in building a strong home base for the children. Kids who have been through the demise of their parents’ relationship are often hurting and may need extra attention and assurance that their lives will not be disrupted to that degree again. By making themselves available, both physically and emotionally to their stepchildren, stepmothers can help their step-kids to heal and move on.
Fairness is Essential
Often, both partners in a stepfamily come into the relationship with children, and good stepmothers strive to provide an atmosphere of fairness and equality, treating all of the children with the same love and tenderness. Of course, equality must also apply to house rules and consequences for disobedience – step-siblings should be expected to live up to the same set of standards and should expect to be disciplined if they fall short, no matter whether they are the natural children or the stepchildren of the adult who is doling out the punishments.
Respectful Parenting Matters
Kids who are raised in an environment where the adults treat them with kindness and respect learn to value themselves and treat others in a fair fashion. Good stepmothers are patient and accepting, and make an effort to see both sides of a story before jumping to conclusions.
Children learn how to handle themselves in a variety of situations buy observing the important adults in their lives, so smart stepmothers make every effort to provide their children and stepchildren with good examples of appropriate and respectful behaviour. Of course, even the very best parents sometimes let their emotions get the better of them, but good stepmothers aren’t afraid to admit when they’ve overreacted and ask for forgiveness.
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Honouring the Children’s Other Parent
Adult relationships can be complicated and even after a romantic partnership has ended, it can be hard for one or both of the people to free themselves of emotional ties. Sometimes, stepmothers find that their spouse’s ex harbours feelings of resentment that are directed at them, and may allow their unresolved feelings have a negative impact on the way that they conduct themselves.
Unfortunately, it is often the children that are most hurt by such displays, so good stepmothers do all that they can to ease the discomfort that exists between them and their spouse’s ex. For some, that may mean reaching out to let that person know that their role in the children’s lives is respected and that no one is trying to usurp their authority, but in other situations, the best response may be to simply back away and allow the children’s father to handle all interactions with their ex.
Offering Love and Support to the Children
The most important gifts that parents and stepparents can offer to children are love, kindness, and consistency. While stepmothers cannot and should not be expected to take the place of the children’s natural mother, they can play an important role in the lives of their spouse’s children. Stepmothers who open both their homes and their hearts to their step-kids provide them with the strength and stability that they’ll need to find success as they grow up and make their own way in the world.
I met my partner 4-5 years ago. At the time, his 2 daughters, then 3 and 9, were living with their mother. Although their mother tried to stop a relationship happening between me and the girls, we got on really well and it all felt very natural between us which was refreshing for us all. However, the mum cut off the contact for a year and we ended up having to go through court.
Cutting an extremely long story short.... the children were taken off the mother who was in trouble with the police and the 3 year old was put in our care. The 9 year old went with her mothers parents as my partner has raised her but is not the biological father so the courts were unable to give him immediate parental responsibility even though the 9 year old knows him as her dad.
Anyway, since having the littlest daughter move in with us, I have really been struggling. We don’t know where the mother is now so she’s not on the scene, but of course I try to promote a healthy attitude towards her mum when my partners daughter speaks about her as she misses her so much and the court have ordered no contact as it’s not safe.
She’s been with us for 2-3 years now and I find that my personality has completely changed. I don’t feel fun anymore and I don’t feel like our relationship is natural anymore. I feel angry, impatient and frustrated all the time. I get annoyed if she doesn’t brush her teeth as soon as I ask her to or chew with her mouth closed. I am annoyed if she leaves all her stuff lying around and I feel extremely jealous and annoyed when my partner and her are having a laugh and messing around and running around the house.. I used to join in but now I just feel annoyed. I have been trying to read books, forums, blogs, listen to podcasts ... I have tried everything. I even tried counselling for 13 sessions and i still just feel.... angry. I get on with the older daughter, who stays with us every weekend as we get on really well with her grandparents, and I find myself wishing that the daughter who lives with us was older or younger so it would be easier. I really want to have that natural bond but I don’t feel maternal anymore... I question whether I have love towards her right now because I’m so clouded with anger and frustration and it’s just not how I want to be. I don’t feel like I want cuddles or kisses and it upsets me that this is happening.
I feel like I’m battling with my own mind and it’s extremely exhausting. It’s led to serious anxiety which affects my general life now and I really need some help on how to deal with these feelings.
I'm struggling to be a good step parent, I feel damn useless, my step son calls me mum, but I'm not sure I'm really worth of that "mum".
I'm sure he isn't my biggest fan, I struggle with stepping back from punishments.
Sometimes I struggle with how lenient my partner is with him, and with how she let's him get away with so much.
I struggle with showing my feelings, so I struggle to show him that even if he isn't fond of me, that I love him, it isn't an act I do genuinely love him, and I would die for him, I'd do whatever I can for him.
I just feel like I am useless at this step parenting role!
Her acceptance of responsibility is pretty poor and her father enables her and does not want to be strict. My line is much firmer as I will not be taken for a mug in my own home. As a result her boundaries are better but she is still very lazy and selfish and generally a low to mediocre achiever in all she does.
I have started to resent her attitude and now her presence quite deeply. I love her dad but am now quite indifferent to her. I did start to grow real affection but it was thrown right back in my face after row over her being waited on hand and foot attitude and now my guard is up as I do not want to invest years only to realise I mean nothing I would rather that be the case now going forward.
I find myself looking forward to the day she has to go into the world and actually acknowledge what it's all about. I shouldn't be counting the days but it's how I feel. I have told her that come next year if she does not like how things work in this house she reserves the right to make other arrangements....
No one prepares you for how hard this is!
I honestly dont thing most people ever realised how hard is it to love some other womens children like they were really from your own flesh and blood.
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